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Old May 6th, 2012, 04:39 AM   #121
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-One

Mr. and Mrs. Wickham are trapped in a hellish marriage after only a few years. Lydia has to put up with her husband's raging promiscuity, and Wickham has to put up with Lydia always whining about it.

Of course, if she did not whine so much, he would not stray so much.

WICKHAM: So it's her fault, like.

NARRATELLER: SO THEY'RE HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND WICKHAM IS THE HORRIBLE-EST.

BERDOLL: Frankly, I'm surprised I haven't managed to slip in a charming anecdote about how he slaughters and munches newborn babies.

---

LYDIA: ...so you see, dear readers--I have to make my own fun. At first I was quite upset by my husband's being a philandering douchenozzle. Indeed, the first time I caught him at it, I tore out a fucking fistful of his fucking hair and he had a bald patch for three months that forced him to wear a fucked-up comb-over instead of his precious metro manperm.

THE OTHER WOMAN: ...honestly, I'm just happy to be alive. Even if I had to run out stark-naked.

ME: DOES EVERYONE JUST SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATE AND SOMETIMES COMMIT MURDER WHENEVER THEY HAVE A NEGATIVE RESPONSE TO A SITUATION?

LYDIA: Anyway, now it's like a massive game of Whack-A-Mole and I find it endlessly amusing to walk in on the act.

NARRATELLER: Which is tricky, given that Wickham cannot last longer than five minutes in bed, of course. Timing is key.



NARRATELLER: Even if Mrs. Wickham didn't have a habit of moment-killing at every opportunity, it's unlikely that any of Wickham's lays would want to repeat the experience, given that he's a quick finisher.

WICKHAM: SCREW ALL THE CHICKS! I'LL SHOW YOU. I'LL SHOW ALL OF YOU, IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DOOOOO! I have worth as a human being see I can be good at something please won't somebody let me be appreciated for doing something right or at least copiously

LYDIA: Whee!

HER UTERUS: Three kids in five years. Oy.

LYDIA: Yeah, that baby-making kitchen is closed. No sex for you.

THE FACT THAT THIS IS A DIVORCEABLE OFFENCE, AND IF THE WICKHAMS WEREN'T SO SOCIALLY UNIMPORTANT IT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE AN ISSUE FOR THE COURTS: *isn't mentioned*

WICKHAM: It's not like I even WANT to do the Sex with Lydia, anymore. I've got three sons, so that's a Thing. Whatever. Apparently the fact that I don't want my wife and that she doesn't want me to want her is...a problem.

ME: WHAT COLOUR IS THE SKY ON YOUR PLANET?

WICKHAM: I SHALL PERSEVERE AND DEMAND MY RIGHTS. FOR MANKIND. FOR ENGLAND.

...so...marital rape as a result of meaningless and convoluted logic for motives of rights and honour that I highly doubt NORMAL Wickham would give a flying fuck about enforcing.

WICKHAM IS TOO LAZY FOR THAT SHIT. THE MAN HAS NO PRIDE TO WOUND, GEEZ. STOP GIVING HIM TORMENTED EVIL EMOTIONS HE DOESN'T FEEL.

GUESS WHAT?

WICKHAM DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT.



Oh, and a letter comes for him bearing ~tha Pambarlah seal~.

Be still, my tachycardic mojo-muscle.
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Old May 7th, 2012, 02:13 AM   #122
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-Two

Elizabeth, upon descending the stairs one day, sees Wickham waiting in the foyer.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS.

Wickham is carefully posed and groomed to appear to his best advantage. Apparently presentation is bad and he should feel bad and if one is not effortlessly lovely upon tumbling out of bed in the morning, please go drown in radioactive waste.

Alas, our intrepid heroine has neither time to hide nor run away (...and hide.) Who among us could have forseen that a possible response to Lizzy's letter informing him that he had a son at Pemberley might actually be HIM SHOWING UP THERE?

WICKHAM: WHAT UP, GURL, GOOD TO SEE YOU

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: FUCK OFF.

LIZZY: Hey.

PREVIOUSLY, ON SISTERLY SCHEMES:

LIZZY: So the plan is, we write to Wickham and tell him about John. So he knows.

JANE: Right.

LIZZY: So then we're in the clear to play Aunties with the chibi-groom.

JANE: Yes. That's all we want.

LIZZY: Brilliant. This is my best plan, ever. Let's go scope him out.

JANE: Ooooh yes!

[Together, the sisters covertly watch John.]

JANE: Now that I know we're related, he's rather remarkably handsome!

LIZZY: And super-smart, really nice, and totally orphaned...

BOTH: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! ^__^

---

............so, um, given Abigail's...reputation...and the fact that she wasn't exactly devoted to Wickham (see: riding ninth-grader-Darcy like a Shetland pony,) I'm not sure I see how we can be entirely certain that John IS Wickham's son. After all, it's Mrs. Reynolds' word, only; and even Darcy considered himself a Daddy Candidate for some time, so it's hardly a case of Spitting Imagery.

But what can you do when daytime TV DNA-testing is a far-off glimmer upon history's horizon?

---

WICKHAM: ...soooo...is Darcy here?

LIZZY: NO.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Thank GOD.

WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: Thank GOD.

WICKHAM: *kisses Lizzy's hand*

LIZZY: *grabs her hand back so quickly she nearly busts his lip with her fist because apparently she has a problem with being mannerly and collected in this universe*

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: OH MY GOD THAT VAGUELY CONFUSED LOOK ON HIS FACE SPITTING IMAGE OF JOHN CHRISTIE I SEE IT NOW HOW COULD I HAVE MISSED IT

ME: ...indeed. WELL, THAT ANSWERS MY CONTINUING DOUBTS ABOUT JOHN'S PATERNITY.

Lizzy takes her time perusing Wickham's face intently, mentally comparing his features to John's, coming, at last, to his eyes.

WICKHAM'S EYES: SMACK THAT ALL ON THE FLOOR SMACK THAT GIMME SOME MORE SMACK THAT 'TIL YOU GET SORE OOOOOH

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: oh my god he wants me what a sick creep how very dare he

LIZZY: Um, we'd better go talk in a more private room...


Yeah, that sounds like it'll help.


Wickham sits down like the BAMF pimpmaster that he is, so that Lizzy nearly "land[s] in his lap."

AWW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH.

Lizzy scoots to the far end of the couch and folds her hands and is determined to do this properly.

WICKHAM: *leans in*

LIZZY: *leans back*


...is this seriously happening?

WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: Screw the bastard child reunion! I am here to seduce you and take your money!



What, no moustache to twirl?


WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: ...well, she MUST want me. I don't care about the kid, so why should she? Of course she must have some other motive for writing to me. And everyone knows rich married people are marriages of convenience, and Darcy can't really be in love with Elizabeth.



...yeah, he didn't really love her, so he must've married her for the convenience of her NON-WEALTH.


The Narrateller can't seem to determine if it's Darcy or Lizzy that's the lovelorn party, exactly, but whatever, now it's settled on Lizzy and she must be bored and lonely and want Wickham to put out the raging fires of her sexual frustration with the bucket bridgade that is his loins.

WICKHAM: Damn gurl you fine.

LIZZY: ...thanks. SO ABOUT YOUR SON...

WICKHAM: ...my what? Oh, yeah...that...s--sorry? Anyway, cool that I have another son. Can never have too many of those. WOO. Some people have none.

LIZZY: QUITE.

WICKHAM: Your sister told me all about your tragic tragedies. This house must be very large and very quiet and very lonely and very open to myriad sexual dalliances...

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: WHACK HIM IN THE HEAD WITH THE FIRE POKER.


Aaaand we're back to Ax-Crazy Lizzy. Bless. Her murderous thoughts bring a flush to her cheek and an indignant heave to her bosom.


WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: AW YISS.

WICKHAM: ...you know how close I used to be to your husband. I know he's all...reserved. Your passionate nature deserves better...

LIZZY: ...LIKE YOU?



So he's all pushing her back against the sofa and getting kissy with her neck and she tries to slap him and he grabs her wrist and calls her a saucy wench, and "Miss"...

SWORD: *at Wickham's neck*

WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: ...so when she said he wasn't around, she just meant the immediate vicinity at the time...

DARCY: IT LETS GO OR IT GETS ITS BLOOD ALL OVER THIS CARPET.

Wickham, being used to being caught by any number of irate husbands, is no stranger to threats of bodily harm, but this is his first experience with a drawn weapon and it's Darcy, SO.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Please don't please don't please don't please don't...Darcy, keep your temper just this once...

WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS AS HE BACKS ACROSS THE ROOM AT SWORD-POINT: ...hey wait, is that MY SWORD?

NARRATELLER: It's not a proper duel declaration or anything, but Wickham is sweating through his wool jacket, anyway. Visibly. His armpits are actually pissing themselves.

ROBO-DARCY: *betrays no emotion by his voice or expression*

WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: IF I EVER DOUBTED HE KILLED THREE MEN IN COLD BLOOD, I DON'T, NOW!

WICKHAM: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. SHE INVITED ME.

Darcy inexorably usheres Wickham back out the front door, with a gaggle of footmen and maids gathered in the hall to watch the whole thing. Darcy nicks Wickham's throat before lowering the sword once his nemesis is back out on the doorstep. Wickham turns to leave, and Darcy hoiks the sword after him, and, being an expert in the javelin-toss, lands it quivering in the gravel to the left of Wickham's boot. Wickham takes back his sword, takes his horse's reins, mounts, laughs at Darcy, and spurs away into the evilly-chuckling-sunset or whatever.

Darcy was already back inside so he didn't hear the laugh, anyway. Lizzy hasn't moved from the couch.

LIZZY: ...is he gone?

DARCY: *nods*

LIZZY: Phew, amirite?

She runs to her husband and clutches at him, half-sobbing.

LIZZY: THAT CHEEKY, CRAZY JERK. HOW DARE HE PRESUME.

DARCY: ...

LIZZY: ...c'mon sweetie, woo-Wickham-hate-woo...you love this game.

DARCY: ...so you invited him here after I forbid it?

LIZZY: I sent him "a post" (A WHOLE POST?) to tell him he had a long-lost son.

DARCY: I thought I was explicit when I said I wanted you to let the matter drop. I didn't mean send secret letters to my arch-enemy. THERE IS MORE TO THIS THAN YOU REALIZE.

ME: ...oh ye gods, what fuckery mystery is cooking THERE?

LIZZY: IT WASN'T SECRET.

DARCY: WELL YOU WEREN'T OPEN ABOUT IT.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I JUST WANTED TO BE SPIRITED AND INDEPENDANT IT'S WHAT PEOPLE LOVE ABOUT ME.

LIZZY: Look, I think I'd better know about what points you've kept from me, then. If I'm to trust you, you need to tell me everything.

DARCY: IS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT I HAVE ASKED NICELY? CAN'T A MAN KEEP SOME HARSH REALITIES TO HIMSELF RATHER THAN HAVE ENDLESS DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THEM OVER TEA?


...now shipping tormented Darcy/Wickham in this universe. How else could Wickham claim to know how repressed Darcy is when it comes to matters of a sexual nature? No doubt that caused the fracture of their relationship, as Wickham openly pursued superficial bisexual encounters to compensate for Darcy's distancing himself; and these affairs so wounded Darcy that the lovers fought bitterly and parted as enemies...

Lizzy tries to reach out to Darcy, but he Dramatically Turns Away and mutters about having to go check in the village about whatever debts Wickham has undoubtedly run up in the hour or two he's spent in the vicinity.

DARCY: *swooshy exit without looking back*

Lizzy falls into a chair, her chin quivering like a toddler's.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: He's never left a room so...unequivocally, before! WAAAAAH. Better go get the cook to make his favourite dessert, now that he's finally eating again...and really, really cheesed, now.



Nothing a nice bit of pudding and some boobies in his face won't fix.
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Old May 7th, 2012, 02:39 AM   #123
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-Three

"Elizabeth was certain that she had never been warned that tribulations came in pairs."














BECAUSE THEY COME IN THREES YOU DUMBFUCK.


And lo, scarcely a week after Wickham's visit, Lady Catherine arrives upon the scene. For the first time since the Darcy's marriage.

Lizzy, cozily and domestically holed up in the conservatory, puttering with plants and pots and a cute little 'gardening smock' so she can fiddle with dirt like a peasant and feel herself a useful and active sort of person who does some good for the world.

She sees the carriage and rips off her smock and runs into the house to fix her hair. Because apparently poking at potting soil fucks with one's 'do.

Anyway, she runs up the servant's staircase to avoid having to be the one to greet Lady Catherine, because she knows she cannot find enough civility to greet Lady Catherine with proper manners.

WHERE IS YOUR FAMOUS SELF-CONTROL, LIZZY? SPIRITED DOES NOT EQUAL SHARP-TONGUED HARPY WHO CAN'T BE TRUSTED TO OBSERVE THE RESTRICTIONS OF POLITE SOCIETY AND COMPOSE HERSELF ACCORDING TO HOW SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN RAISED.

Alas, however, a servant catches her and announces the presence of Lady Catherine, so now Lizzy can't escape. Can't tell the servant to be quiet and go away. Can't tell the servant to tell Lady Catherine that she is Not At Home.

...since when does a message carried by a servant constitute a binding social obligation? Evidently it's impossible to turn away Lady Catherine from one's own home. IMPOSSIBLE.

Lizzy goes, curtsies to Lady Catherine and they go into the drawing room.

Lizzy inquires politely after Anne, but the Narrateller throws in a barb at the woman's constitution because HAHA ILL HEALTH.

Lady Catherine seats herself...

NARRATELLER: omg fatty lol

LIZZY: *helpless to resist rolling her eyes as she sits in total silence*

LADY CATHERINE: ...you know why I'm here.

LIZZY: Nope.

LADY CATHERINE: BENEATH MY NEPHEW BLAH BLAH BLAH HE REQUIRES A MALE HEIR TO CARRY ON THE DARCY NAME


...alright, Lady Catherine is not even a Darcy--her sister married into that name. Why the hell is Lady C so het up about her dead brother-in-law's family name, which doesn't even have an attached title?



Oh. Right.

LADY CATHERINE: It's been five years. Why haven't you squeezed out a baby, yet? Twice you've failed.

Lizzy is astonished that Lady Catherine should know about her miscarriage AND the stillbirth, seeing as even Jane doesn't know about the miscarriage. Presuming we're talking about the pregnancy lost back in the post-kidnap phase, then we can conclude that the bleeding that sent Lizzy emo-ing to the frozen bathtub of despair was, in fact, a regular ol' period. Huh.

LADY CATHERINE: THIS IS GOD PUNISHING YOU FOR DARING TO MARRY HIS SEXINESS.

LIZZY: Yeah, heard all the insults before, whatevs bitch, God is totally acting on your orders.

LADY CATHERINE: IMPERTINENT. DON'T YOU DISRESPECT ME.

LIZZY: DON'T YOU DISRESPECT ME, LADY. STOP TRYING TO HURT US.

LADY CATHERINE: LOL. Hurt US? I'm trying to hurt YOU. IT'S NOT DARCY'S FAULT. HE'S A STUDLY COCKSTAR.

At this point, Lady Catherine stands up and raises her fist, and Elizabeth mentally compares it to some kind of painting by a famous painter that is present in her Bible and I'm sure it's a very scholarly reference meant to show us just how much Research Berdoll has done, but google is giving me jack-shit on that particular Biblical scene as painted by that particular artist. Then again, it could just be a very obscure painting that has no present record of itself on easily-Google-able sources. Art nerds, help me out. We're looking for a "familiar depiction" of Moses on Mount Sinai as painted by Maarten de Vos. I've managed to find a couple of Mosaic scenes by de Vos, but nothing involving Sinai or the giving of the Commandments or a burning bush or whatever.

Apparently, not familiar enough.

Now, I'm all for learning from books, and many times being driven to Google (or in earlier years, the Funk & Wagnalls,) has expanded my mind on various subjects I previously knew little or nothing about. But when even Google doesn't know what the fuck you're on about, I have to wonder.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: lol she looks exactly like that beardy Bible dude lolololol

LADY CATHERINE: DARCY HAS A SON. A BABY BORN THIS VERY YEAR. "MY NEPHEW'S LOINS" ARE IN PROPER WORKING ORDER. IT IS ALL YOU AND YOUR "SHRIVELLED WOMB"'s FAULT THAT PEMBERLEY IS NOT TEEMING WITH BOYCHILDREN.

Is she seriously ranting about people's loins in the drawing room? In the middle of the day?

PLEASE, MA'AM, WE ARE ENGLISH.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: LOLO--WHAT.

LIZZY: HOW DARE YOU. YOU WILL REPEAT THIS SLANDER TO DARCY'S FACE AND THEN HE WILL CHUCK YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE.

LADY CATHERINE: ...what, did you think that he would TELL you he was off with some other woman and fathering bastards? EVERYONE KNOWS.

LIZZY: GTFO.

LADY CATHERINE: I notice you're not refuting my points. Darcy will come to see my side of things before long. lol byyyye

And with that, she's gone.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: HOW DARE SHE CALL ME BARREN AND SAY DARCY'S BEEN UNFAITHFUL HOW VERY DARE SH--OH GOD IT'S TRUE ISN'T IT IT MUST ALL BE TRUE THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END. NO. NO. I MUST NOT SUCCUMB TO THAT WOMAN'S EVIL HEADGAMES. I TRUST DARCY WITH ALL MY HEART.

LIZZY: *is crying because she is angry and angry because she is crying*

---

Meanwhile, in the library:

COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: *listening* ...Auntie Cat?

BY THE WAY: *still totally in love with Lizzy but no one knows*

COLONEL FITZWILLIAM'S THOUGHTS: Mostly it's okay, but then sometimes Darcy and Lizzy look at each other or hold hands and then it burns. So I spend as much time as possible at Pemberley, to test myself and my restraint. Because that is the noble and sensible thing to do.

NARRATELLER: He could totally have spent his days in London, courting ladies or banging whores, but either way, he stays in Derbyshire. He could have married--for a woman of fortune but no rank, the second son of an Earl must be considered a catch.

ME: ...really? Are they?

COLONEL'S THOUGHTS: NO WOMAN COULD EVER BE WHAT LIZZY IS. BEAUTIFUL. VIVACIOUS. WITTY. STANDING UP TO BANDITS, RAPISTS AND LADY CATHERINE.

He arrives in the drawing-room as Lady Catherine departs, and sees Lizzy, and sees her begin to sway. He springs to catch her, but false alarm and she's still upright, so he just stops and gazes longingly at her and then goes to comfort her.

Lizzy turns, and it's obvious that she'd been hoping for Darcy.

LIZZY'S FACE: Oh. You.

She scrubs at her tears.

COLONEL'S THOUGHTS: OH GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS TO HER IS MY FAULT.

COLONEL: How can I help? I will hate my aunt until the day I die for making you sad.

LIZZY: I...*cries harder* FUCK. STUPID CRYING OVER STUPID LADY CATHERINE. --OH GOD SHE'S YOUR AUNT I AM SO SORRY.

COLONEL: SHE'S A TOTAL COW DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

LIZZY: ...so you heard what she said?

COLONEL: ...some. She's just evil.

LIZZY: WHY CAN'T SHE LET US BE HAPPY? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SEE ME AT MY WORST?

COLONEL: ...so what did she want? What did she say that's made you so upset?

LIZZY: Um...she said Darcy--YOU CAN'T TELL HIM SHE SAID THIS--YOU CAN'T TELL HIM SHE WAS HERE, EVEN. *cries some more*

Welcome to the 1816 Weep-A-Thon, with our star weepathlete, Lizzy Darcy.

COLONEL: *hugs*

LIZZY: *clings, crying*

COLONEL: I WURV WOO WIZZY.

LIZZY: ...

COLONEL'S THOUGHTS: Crap. Maybe she thought I meant as a friend.

BERDOLL: PLEASE, NO MAN LOVES LIZZY AS A FRIEND.

LIZZY: ...*hic*hic*hic*hic*hic*

COLONEL: ...

LIZZY: ...water.

COLONEL: RIGHT.

LIZZY: *gulp*gulp*hic* ...WINE.

COLONEL: RIGHT.

LIZZY: *pounds it*

COLONEL: ...um...I'm gonna...go now...and we're not going to tell Darcy about any of this.

LIZZY: Uh huh.

COLONEL: *flees*

GEORGIANA, WATCHING, UNSEEN, FROM THE HALL: ;__; ..................

~scene~

Wait, no...

WHAT

WHAT

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

WHAT JUST HAPPENED

WHAT IS THAT LOOK ON HER FACE
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Old May 11th, 2012, 05:15 AM   #124
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-four

DARCY: What'd I miss?

LIZZY: Um...Colonel Fitzwilliam had to, um, leave. Immediately. For some reason. Oh, andLadyCatherinedroppedby,butdidn'tstaylong,sincey ouweren'taround. What kind of soup should be served at dinner?

DARCY: Cream of Bullshit*. Your hands are shaking.

LIZZY: Too much time in the sunshine in the rosebeds without my sun-hat lol!

ME: ...I thought she was in a conservatory...? Also, what the fuck? Is she claiming sunstroke?

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: ALSO I POUNDED ABOUT FOUR GLASSES OF WINE JUST NOW.

GEORGIANA: *is oddly quiet--even for Georgiana--throughout supper, and doesn't touch her food*

LIZZY: *would have noticed this, if she wasn't so wrapped up in her own shit, as usual*

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: WTF is going on?

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Can't let Lady Catherine get to me. Darcy's love is true. Darcy's good banging, once had, is had forever.

~~~later that night~~~

Lizzy, tortured by her guilt and doubts, cannot sleep. She gets out of bed and opens the double-doors to their balcony and walks out upon it to think her thinky thoughts...

"The breeze rustled her gown and as she felt the silk billow about her legs..."

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

Are her luscious curls tossed upon the flower-scented breeze, her milky skin shimmering in the silver kiss of moonlight?

Also, silk night-gowns? I'm sure the starving peasantry understand. And, presuming you still have the silk sheets first mentioned eons ago when the Sexytimes Landscape was being described, ENJOY SQUIRTING OUT OF BED LIKE AN ICE-CUBE.

...let's just say I've seen what happens when silk sheets and silk jammies mix. It ain't pretty, it ain't poetic, and it's slippery as fuck.

Anyway, back to Lizzy's musings.

LYDIA'S VOICE-OVER: ALL MEN STRAY. INCLUDING OUR DAD.

Lizzy will grant that her father barely offers Mrs. Bennet an ounce of respect, but at least he's ~funny~ about it. So apparently it's okay. Lizzy assumes that they must've loved each other, once... (And people who once loved each other never, ever fall out of love. Oh, wait.)

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: If he wanted to get away from her, he'd just go to the library after supper! NOT TO SOME HOYDEN'S ADULTEROUS BED.

She runs through all the possible women in Meryton, and comes up empty-handed once she excludes every woman who was fat, blind, stupid, or had an irritating laugh.

Oh, stop, Berdoll. You're making the general population blush with your flattery!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: But Darcy must have cute chicks queuing 'round the block for his cock! YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE. And if my dad can find someone to bone, surely Darcy can. And if it's a raging hottie, what man would refuse?

With absolutely no point to these musings and no resolution or revelation beyond "DARCY IS A ROCKSTAR ALL THE GIRLS WANT HIM," Lizzy goes back to bed, and delightedly finds that Darcy had been awake and oogling her in the moonlight with her silk nighty and badonkadonk and congratulations, you win an erect penis. :\

Losing no time, Lizzy rips off her nightgown and straddles her man, stretching her arms and limbering up in preparation.

LIZZY: "Shall we give the ferret a run?"

Darcy laughs.

I recoil in horror.

Because:

A ) What.
B ) Ew.
C ) ...I've seen what ferrets do to rabbit-burrows and during ferret-legging competitions. KEEP THAT SHIT AWAY FROM THE LADYPARTS, OKAY?
D ) WHAT.

Lizzy can't remember where she'd heard it. Which surprises me, because given the gentle breeding of wellborn women in 19th century England, you'd think such phrases would come up rather rarely in conversation, and no doubt provide a memorable moment of learning.


Anyway, short of possessing handcuffs, you can imagine what proceeds, unf unf omg yada yada yada.

LIZZY: ROUND TWO. C'MON LOVER.

DARCY: Um...please, can I just...breathe...and, um...I can't seem to...

LIZZY: YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE? YOU USED TO DO THIS ALL THE TIME. EVERY TEN MINUTES.

DARCY: ...I've been riding all day. Mercy. ...what's gotten into you?

LIZZY: NOTHING. JUST THAT I LOVE YOU IS ALL.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS:










*Bow before Patinkin.
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Old May 11th, 2012, 08:37 AM   #125
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

This is painful as ever.
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Old May 13th, 2012, 01:24 AM   #126
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

I just did the math and there are 38 chapters left in 150 pages. That's less than four pages per chapter, and the writing isn't small, the margins are huge, and the pointlessly ornate chapter headings take up a good paragraph's worth of space.

Blether blether blether.
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Old June 10th, 2012, 05:41 AM   #127
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-five

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: How dare I question Darcy! My beloved! My sweetheart! My joy! My cocklate-chip tupcake! ...wait a minute...all these guys...Wickham...Fitzwilliam...throwing themselves at me! They must have reason to believe Darcy no longer loves me! ;__;

LIZZY: THIS IS A JOB FOR..."ELIZABETH BENNET DARCY": PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. SPECIALTY: MARITAL INFIDELITY.

Oh Lord have mercy.

LIZZY: HEY MR. HARDIN, THIS IS JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE, I HAVE IMPORTANT BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO, SO YOU KNOW HOW I WAS ALL SUPER-LANDLADY, ALL VISITING THE SICK WITH MY HOSPITAL WAGON AND SHIT? YOU CAN TAKE OVER THOSE DUTIES WHILE I...sneak around Pemberley like a ninja.

She sneaks into the church to look up the registry of all christenings, marriages, and deaths. She finds five babies born in the last six months within riding-distance of Pemberley and copies down the names like a super-spy, naturally knowing where each family lives. (Though one presumes there might be children who have gone unchristened, and, um, pretty sure bastards would be among those.)

Anyway, first stop, a homey-looking house!

Whereupon, in her observation, Elizabeth realizes the mother of the baby in question in that household is dead.

Oops.

LIZZY: Well, fine, cross this house off the list.

Right, because the actual BABY who might possibly be the SPAWN OF DARCY'S PHILANDERING LOINS doesn't actually matter so much as FINDING THE TWO-FACED HO THAT TOOK MAH HUBBY!

Next house has a plump woman with heaps of kids, so:

LIZZY: LOL NO.

Because Darcy could never love a FATTY with CHILDREN.

At the third house, she sees nothing.

So she goes on a stake-out, hidden atop a small hill nearby.

For six days.

LIZZY'S MUTTERINGS: ...he'd better not take off his boots when he's slumming it...that would just make it so much WORSE.

...whatevs.

But lo, a rider approaches! The well-dressed gentleman dismounts, whereupon a woman holding a baby rushes out to greet him with an unambiguous smooch!

LIZZY: OMG WTF BBQ BINGLEY???!!!!1!?!!?!eleventy-one!?!!!11?!



To conclude, the driving concept of this book can be summed up in the asking and answering of a simple question:

Are you Elizabeth Darcy?

Yes? Congratulations!

No? Your life is going to arbitrarily suck in every possible way and you will never, ever be happy.
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Old June 11th, 2012, 11:32 PM   #128
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-six

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS:



"Her father could be, if not condoned, at least forgiven..."

Suddenly not only can she bear to think of her father having cheated on her mother as possible, but it's forgivable because lol nitwit who bore him five children and never gave up trying to bear a son, yeah, total drag.

But Jane. JANE! Jane is the perfectest perfect who ever perfected, and has given Bingley four kids in five years. WHAT.

Yeah, we're all thinking along those lines. I mean, if Jane isn't safe, NOBODY is!

...oh, except Lizzy, because DARCY. She's totally safe from ever having anything bad happen to her.

Lizzy tries to get back on her horse, and can't.

NARRATELLER: If she wasn't so horrified she was about to vomit, she might've laughed at this sudden turn of events and how silly it was for her to suspect her dear Darcy for even a moment! Much less five days of hiding behind a rock.

...HOW IS THAT FUNNY?

Lizzy wends her way homeward, and "[h]er face, as always, betrayed her..."

LIZZY GET SOME COMMAND OF YOUR COUNTENANCE. AUSTEN WOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOU.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: ...crap, here comes Darcy. Guess I should have spent the last hour thinking of how I was going to talk to him about this rather than just cussing a blue streak at Bingley.

DARCY: Lizzy, can we talk in the library?

LIZZY: Um...okay...

DARCY: ...so I've noticed you've been in a mood lately.

LIZZY: ...oh.

DARCY: ...so I secretly followed you.












MY. GOD.

PEOPLE.

HAS ANYONE EVER THOUGHT OF *ASKING* WHAT THE MATTER IS WHEN YOU CAN TELL SOMETHING IS WRONG?

OR IS THE DEFAULT REACTION TO GO ALL HARRIET THE SPY AND SLEUTH IT UP, REGENCY-STYLE?





Anyway, Darcy kneels very prettily before her, taking her hand in his, kissing her fingers tenderly.

DARCY: ...and I Still Don't Get It. Will you please tell me what's wrong?

You couldn't have asked her nicely BEFORE?

LIZZY: AH LUFFZ YOOOOOOU. *bawls*

Darcy gently brushes away her tears.

LIZZY: I HERD U HAD A KID WITH THAT HO IN THE COTTAGE. PLZDON'TBEMAD.

DARCY: ...

LIZZY: *not looking*

DARCY: ...

LIZZY: *STILL NOT LOOKING*

DARCY: ...and you believed it? Of ME? MEEEEEEEEEEE?

LIZZY: NO WAY. OF COURSE NOT. I JUST WENT AND FLIRTED WITH PNEUMONIA AND RHEUMATISM SITTING BEHIND A DANK ROCK FOR FIVE DAYS SOLID JUST SO I COULD...PROVE...IT WASN'T...um...

DARCY: WHAT HAVE I DONE THAT YOU WOULD BELIEVE SUCH A THING POSSIBLE?

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: You were really pissed when Wickham came to visit...

Tom, help me out here.

TOM JONES: IT'S NOT UNREASONABLE.

LIZZY: ...um...nothing. At all. Really.

DARCY: *BEARHUGS*

LIZZY: ...once upon a time, when we went to visit Hunsford for a girl's weekend, Lydia was there and I didn't mention it because I know how you hate to hear about Wickham in any way, shape or form. (So really this was all your fault from the beginning.) And Lydia told us all about how Wickham cheats on her and she knows about it. But Lydia said all men do so, and that my dad had a woman...or several...she didn't really specify...and my mother had told her it was so. And then Lady Catherine came and told me you've been having babies with other women because you can't have them with me.

DARCY: Lady Catherine? AND YOU FELL FOR IT? LIZZY. GEEEEEEEEEEZ, GURL.

LIZZY: I KNOW.

DARCY: YOU SACRIFICED AN ENTIRE WEEK TO BELIEVING IT POSSIBLE OF ME AND MY LIBIDO. HOW COULD YOU?

LIZZY: If my explanation doesn't suffice, all I can do is tell you how wrong I was! Wrong on so many levels! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong [at one point she spells WRONG, aloud, yes she does,] wrooooooooooooooooooooooong so wrong so very very wrong to believe you are anything like other men at all ever.

DARCY: Promise me no more secrets will be kept between us.

LIZZY: Promise.

...oh I highly doubt we're going to make it through another forty-odd chapters without breaking that shit like a buttered dish.

LIZZY: I know had it been the other way around and you took Lady Catherine's bait, I'd've taunted you about it until the end of time. Please don't do that.

DARCY: I'm a magnificent human being because I won't.

LIZZY: Truth.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: This whole no-secrets thing is nice but let's just say it only applies to knowledge gained after this point because I am not sure how I'm going to tell him about Bingley and I sure as fuck am not going to tell him about Fitzwilliam.


PROMISE BARELY MADE IT A PARAGRAPH. NEW RECORD.

---

LIZZY: ...and Wickham said you were a total prude and I couldn't think of any way to argue the point without getting seriously vulgar.

DARCY: LOL.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Compared to Wickham, I must be a prude. But I don't need to sleep with loads of ladies for my self-esteem. I am immune to ladies.

...and yet he's managed to boink half of London. Amazing.

"His exceedingly warm constitution was the only reason he had ever had other dalliances at all."

...I don't think you can claim immunity to the charms of sexual company if YOUR BLUE BALLS JUST FORCE YOU TO HAVE SO MUCH SEX AND YOU HATE IT BUT YOU MUST BECAUSE BAAAAAAAAAAALLS.

"It was his body that made demands of him, not his heart."

...dude, you are increasingly sounding more and more like a sexual offender trying to justify rape and assault.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: One day I'll think of a way to explain about Abigail, John, and Wickham...

...so that secret is staying "secret" for now, too?

Right.
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Old June 20th, 2012, 08:08 AM   #129
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-seven

Lizzy mentally wrings her hands over if she ought to tell Darcy about Bingley, and if so, how.

Oh, and Jane, too. I guess. 'Cause, y'know, she's the wronged party and all.

WAIT I FORGOT THE DARCYS ARE THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE AND THEIR FEELINGS ARE PARAMOUNT.

Finally, after a spell of doing dick-all, Jane herself shows up, alone.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: No kids? This can't be good. Quick, think of a topic of conversation that isn't her cheating husband!

LIZZY: So Wickham tried to make a move on me.

JANE: OMG KICK HIS ASS GURL.

Well, this is Jane, and she's expressing mild wonderment that Lizzy did not "smite" Wickham.

LIZZY: ...with what?

JANE: A FIREPLACE POKER.

...so even Jane's getting in on the ludicrous cartoon violence, now. LOVE IT.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: IN ALL SERIOUSNESS I WOULD HAVE BUT I COULDN'T REACH IT. I'D'VE HAMMERED HIS FACE TO A BLOODY PULP AND GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE THE HONOUR OF MY SACRED LOVE FOR DARCYYYY.

LIZZY: No matter, Darcy stepped in and made it clear that Wickham was never gonna get a slice of my pie.

JANE: Maybe you should just always carry a poker just in case. Like I do, in the coach. BECAUSE BANDITS REMEMBER.

LIZZY: ...simpler than a gun.

...

LIZZY: lol look at us two fine ladies having tea in the garden and talking about carnage and weapons

JANE: LOL SO TRUE

BOTH: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--

JANE: btw lizzy I have something serious to tell you shh listen wait a minute I have to stand up and pace in silence bear with me

She finally sits back down.

JANE: Okay you can't tell ANYBODY...

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Hoshi--

JANE: So my husband has a child with another woman.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: OH THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE EMOTIONAL BURDEN OF BREAKING THIS TO HER.

...yes, Lizzy, I can see how this must have been SO difficult. For YOU.



JANE: ...I know how this must utterly shatter your illusions after how stridently you disagreed with Lydia on the matter of infidelity.

LIZZY: ... O_o

JANE: There, there, now. *pats*

LIZZY's THOUGHTS: ...JANE...is comforting...ME? Wait a minute...

THE PENNY FUCKING DROPS.

JANE: ...so the kid is only six months and its mother has TB is isn't going to survive the winter. So I want to adopt the baby, because it's the child of the man I love and I'd hate to see it taken in by strangers but the problem is Bingley doesn't know I know and he might be upset if he knew I knew.

Jane, you're an angel and I love you and a bit of a doormat it's true but your intentions are beautiful as far as that poor baby goes.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: BINGLEY YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS WOMAN AND I WILL KILL YOU SO DEAD BUT SO SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY.

...she actually imagines beating him to death with a shovel.

JANE: So I have a favour to ask you.

LIZZY: Anything, Jane!

JANE: Take the child into Pemberley.

LIZZY: ...wtf why.

JANE: TO SAVE THE BABY BUT KEEP THE SECRET FROM CHARLES KEEP UP GIRLFRIEND GEEZ

"...one did not take on a human life without serious consideration..."

Um, Darcy TOOK three with very little consideration. LOL.

LIZZY: I'll ask Darcy.

His opinion is the only one that matters, after all.

And I can't help feeling he's gonna throw a shitfit for some reason.

JANE: Thanks sis, you're the best!

LIZZY: I know... BUT HOW CAN YOU LET BINGLEY GET AWAY WITH THIS SERIOUSLY YOU JUST LET HIM PULL SHIT LIKE THAT HOW CAN YOU DARE LET THIS HAPPEN

...woo victim blame woo

stfu lizzy

JANE: It's complicated, Lizzy. I know Bingley loves me as much as ever; but a man has needs, and given that I lock him out anytime I'm knocked up--and that's, like, most of our marriage--he'll have to go elsewhere. But not for Love, if you know what I mean. So it doesn't hurt me, emotionally.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: THAT IS SO WRONG I DISAGREE HEARTILY BUT I WON'T SAY ANYTHING BECAUSE THAT'D SEEM BITCHY, WOULDN'T IT?

Lizzy's inner rage mounts to a maelstrom of fury, mostly directed at Bingley, and further, at her own mother.

Confused?

Thankfully, Berdoll maps out the cause-and-effect so we can figure out just why Lizzy is pissed at Mrs. Bennet for this turn of events.

It was Mrs. B who advised the lie-back-and-think-of-England approach, as well as denying marital rights to a husband whenever there's a bun in the oven. (Which, denying such "rights" at any time was impossible/illegal and grounds for divorcing a woman, but obviously Bingley respected his wife's disinclinations which has GOT to be better than the alternative.)

So, if Jane had put out more, Bingley wouldn't have cheated on her and Lizzy's feelings wouldn't now be hurt. HATE. (Jane appears completely unphased, but we are reminded that poor Jane is unenlightened and obviously she's a silly cow for believing there can be a seperation between sex and emotion and that her husband's true and unwavering affection for her is enough to sustain their marriage even if he does lusty body things with the odd peasant.)

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: WOE IF ONLY I HAD INSISTED JANE TRY HARDER TO ENJOY SEX THIS MIGHT NEVER HAVE HAPPENED OH HOW I LOATHE MYSELF

...good grief, woman. The world really does revolve around Elizabeth. This book should be titled Lizzy Bennet and the Feelingest Feelings.

Jane departs.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: ...wait a minute, how did someone with TB escape the notice of Georgiana and I and our Healthcare Wagon?

"Each of the five Bennet sisters had their attributes assigned almost from babyhood. Mary was prim, Kitty flighty. Lydia was outlandish, and Elizabeth, bold. Jane was, and always had been, gentle, kind, and naive."

NAIVE? Where do you GET this?

Also, Mary and Kitty are supposed to have greatly improved. Mary, with more forced socialization, becomes less of a droning dick; and Kitty gains some ounces of sense via some sensible people and not being around Lydia so much.

"...she also thought Jane to be fragile. Strength had been her own trait, not Jane's. She was the Bennet sister who was forthright and strong."

FUCK OFF JANE IS A POWERHOUSE.

Also, need I remind you, Lizzy, that you have broken down at the SLIGHTEST PROVOCATION since this book BEGAN? Darcy went away for a couple of weeks before you were even married and you could hardly speak to him when he returned because of the AGONIES you had been through and wibble wibble waaaaaahmbulance.

Oh, also, she still needs to tell Darcy. Which is the important thing.

---

DARCY: Oh hey!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Your BFF is an assmunching shitpile boogerface.

LIZZY: I did see a man kissing that woman at the Cottage of Infidelity but it was Charles Bingley.

DARCY: O_o *all astonishment*

LIZZY: You can imagine my torment. Luckily Jane told me about it herself and asked me to take in the baby for her. What do you think of green for the nursery walls?

DARCY: OH HELL NO PEMBERLEY IS NOT THE ABANDONED BASTARD FARM.

LIZZY: D:

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: BINGLEY AS SOON AS I FIND A SHOVEL YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD FOR MAKING DARCY ANGRY AT ME.

She goes up to Darcy and snuggles him.

DARCY: omg I am so sorry forgive me lizzy my love my only love

LIZZY: All is forgiven. But...what am I forgiving, exactly?

DARCY: I had sex with John Christie's mother. BUT WICKHAM IS TOTALLY HIS DAD I SWEAR BY MRS. REYNOLDS.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: ...so he spent months thinking he might be John's dad? OH AGONY HOW COULD HE BEAR IT?

LIZZY: ...and NOW you tell me?

DARCY: ...

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: awww I could have been the cool stepmother to that kid rather than just cool step-aunt...WAIT, DARCY, ARE YOU ACTUALLY A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED HE'S NOT YOURS, TOO? AND I WAS THE ONE WHO UNTHINKINGLY RUBBED YOUR FACE IN THE FACT THAT WICKHAM IS THE DADDY? OF THE BOY YOU THOUGHT MIGHT BE YOUR ONLY SON, EVER? Gosh I've fucked up a lot of things with my meddling...

"The answer to every question, Elizabeth realised, was herself."

^^^^^^^^^ Ladies and gentlemen, THE THEME OF THIS BOOK. ^^^^^^^^^^

DARCY: ...*sigh* of course we'll adopt the baby.

LIZZY: ...we can think about it.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: GREAT I WAS GETTING EXCITED FOR THIS BABY NOW EVERY TIME I'LL LOOK AT IT I'LL THINK ABOUT JOHN CHRISTIE AND HOW DARCY ISN'T HIS DADDY AND HATE MYSELF FOR NOT HAVING HIS CHILDREN.

Circuitous route to guilt there, girlfriend. One would think the fact that it's just any baby that isn't yours might do the trick.

In the end, Lizzy contents herself with thinking up myriad punishments for randy Bingley.

"...one she imagined involved a leather thong, a dead cat, and some pepper sauce."

YOU CAN'T JUST LIST VAGUELY CREEPY OBJECTS LIKE THAT THAT HAVE NO APPARENT MEANS OF BEING USED IN CONJUNCTION IN AN ASSAULT UPON BINGLEY'S DICK. DON'T JUST LIST RANDOM SHIT AND TELL US LOL HOW IMAGINATIVE THE PLAN WAS. EXPLAIN IT TO ME.

DON'T TELL ME HOW CLEVER LIZZY IS.

SHOW ME.
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Old June 25th, 2012, 12:31 AM   #130
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-eight

"In the few years since that first fateful trip to London, the Darcys had not returned as often as society dictated."

No, but they packed Georgieporgie off all by her lonesome after her three months at Pemberley were up because GIT DAT GURL MARRIED or something?

Darcy packs heat and a sword and rides outside the coach ready to slay any motherfuckers that come near.

LIZZY: But I get lonelyyyyy in the carriage with only the servaaaants...

DARCY: TOUGH TITTIES.

LIZZY: Okay.

---

"As the Darcys' visits were infrequent, Cyril Smeads enoyed almost unlimited autonomy amongst the servants in London even though Mistress Georgiana was often in residence."

Mistress Georgiana? Srsly? MISS DARCY, YOU FOOLS.

Also, autonomy doesn't mean what I think you think it means. Cyril has autonomy over himself. He can never have autonomy over anyone else.

Anyway, blah blah blah Cyril visits his mother in Derbyshire now and again.

Mrs. Reynolds is nothing like her son.

HANNAH: IDGI ALL MY BROTHERS LOOK AND ACT SO ALIKE OUR NEIGHBOURS CAN'T TELL THEM APART LOL. ALSO I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM A FAT FATTY, APROPOS OF NOTHING. ALSO MY BROTHERS TORMENT ME FOR MY 'ELEVATION OF POSITION.'

Um...well, yeah, it is kind of weird that you're in a job you have no qualifications for. MOCK AWAY, BROS.

Oh crap, this is a Hannah Musing Over Everything chapter, isn't it?

Mrs. Reynolds is kinda motherly. A bit. Under the prickles.

Cyril is a gossipy gossiper.

Hannah keeps Lizzy's secrets and Goodwin keeps Darcy's.

Hannah and Goodwin might have a lot to talk about.

But they don't.

Goodwin is all stoic and stern.

Then again, everyone thinks Darcy is stoic and stern.

But Hannah "knows" better, and that Darcy is a passionate lover. (HANNAH/DARCY FANFIC. GO.)

Thereby she presumes that Goodwin must be the same.

"As she watched him move about his duties, she often thought of that and could not help but admire his small hands the and the fine hair upon them she could see just below his ruffles knuckledabs. It did not trouble her mind to wonder why, as such a big girl, she was attracted to such a meagre little mite of a man."

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE.

CREEPY SERVANTS IN LUUUURVE.

Whatever the case may be, Hannah knows it's not allowed for a valet and lady's maid to be married to anyone, and so lets it go.

But not without this nugget of creepery:

"There was far greater pleasure from imagining Goodwin ripping his shirt from his body and drawing her and her heaving bosom to his chest than to learn belatedly that he had not the strength nor the chest to do either."

HANNAH MOORHOUSE: CREEPIN' ON YOU.

So that creeper Cyril Smeads pays Hannah a vague compliment, and despite all the warnings she'd heard about Smeads preying on the weakest of female staff members, she lets it happen, deciding it will make Goodwin turn purple with envy if he sees her giggling at one of Cyril's jokes.

GOODWIN'S THOUGHTS: DO MINE EYES DECEIVE ME? IS NO ONE ELSE SEEING THIS? HANNAH IS LAUGHING AT SMEADS' JOKE.

Oh, also, Goodwin and Smeads are cousins. Family Issues, ho!

Oy. DRAMA IN THE SERVANT'S HALL.

---

Lizzy has gotten complacent and so used to the presence of servants that she now tends to not notice that they're there.

GOOD ON YOU FOR FINALLY BECOMING A MEMBER OF THE UPPER CLASSES!

The problem being, of course, that she doesn't realize she's being watched all the time.

Lizzy is completely unaware of the general population around Pemberley's thoughts on her--namely that everyone loves her because she is kind and generous and not stuck up and pretty, did we mention she was pretty?

There's some yammering about the marital indiscretions among the upper classes, and how most people married for money and not for love, so when Darcy married Miss Lizzy Bennet everyone felt it was tantamount to taking her as a mistress.

...except, no? It's not THAT big a scandal. Nowhere near it.

"Had it not been widely known that the Darcy marriage was one of mutual love, Elizabeth might have been inundated with any number of invitations for adulterous affairs."

Um...no. No, no, and no. That's not how affairs worked. People weren't considered free game unless they made it clear to the world that they were off the market. People were only sought at that level for affairs if they were ragingly fascinating hotties who made it clear to the world that they were most definitely ON the market.

But wait, this is Lizzy, the whole world wants to tap that.

So everyone in Derbyshire knows that Darcy drove Wickham out of the house at swordpoint, within 24 hours of it happening.

PEASANTS: omg this is the best thing to talk about since the last time Darcy got a pointy thing and fucked some dudes' shit up for messing with his missus! Only that was better because he killed people.

And the peasants make special trips to go gawk at the bloodstains and sword that are still at the inn where it happened.

HOW HAS THE LAW NOT PURSUED THIS? THE SPOT OF DARCY'S TRIPLE HOMICIDE IS NOW A FUCKING TOURIST DESTINATION.

CHATSWORTH, WINDSOR, DISNEYLAND PARIS, AND THAT FILTHY INN WHERE FITZWILLIAM DARCY MADE SAUSAGEMEAT OUT OF TOM REED'S BOWELS AND BLEW THE CORKING HEADS OFF A COUPLE OF HIS CRONIES.

FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY.

---

PEASANTS: That baby the Darcys are adopting must totally be Mr. Darcy's son. I mean, it's been five whole years and still no son from his wife! He must be intending to adopt some peasant-woman's byblow.

SMEADS: TRUTH. I was in London when bachelor Darcy was always going to a bordello!

HANNAH: WHAT HE DID WHEN HE WAS SINGLE IS HIS OWN BUSINESS but please tell me more about this bordello you speak of...

SMEADS: GURL YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MEN BEING MARRIED DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

HANNAH'S THOUGHTS: STRIKING YOU OFF MY USE-TO-MAKE-GOODWIN-JEALOUS LIST, ASSHOLE.

Smeads walks off (waddles, really, because he is fat lol, remember, bad people can't be pretty,) and Hannah sees Goodwin was eavesdropping and they are both just SO INDIGNANT THEY ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER BECAUSE THEY LOVE THE DARCYS SO.

...then there's something about a nurse being hired for the baby and Smeads is back to London but he stops off in Kent (...totally on the way to London from Derbyshire geography what geography?) but the point is made that he DOESN'T go to visit Charlotte Collins...

Um.

Why would a servant have any right or reason to visit Charlotte Collins, anyway?

Like, Lady Catherine, I get it; but in some attempt to be coy, Berderp has just pointed out the obvious because the alternative is nonsensical.

Also, if Mr. Collins is dead, why on earth would Charlotte remain in the vicarage? The living of an estate such as Rosings must have passed on as soon as possible, so...they really shouldn't be staying there. I mean, her kid still has rights to Longbourne, yay, but in the meantime Charlotte'd have to find other accomodation.

---

The woman applying for the nurse job for the baby is Mrs. Hardin's sister Bessie. Yet another peasant we're supposed to care about, only not. I'm not sure why she's important.

She stops off to have a good chat with her sister. Apparently Bingley's consumptive lover is the same girl Mrs. Hardin had planned for John Christie to go on a blind date with, so that's a shame.

John Christie is listening to every word.

JOHN CHRISTIE'S THOUGHTS: THAT POOR GIRL THAT POOR BABY AT LEAST MRS. DARCY IS HERE THIS TIME TO SAVE THE BABY AND THE CONSUMPTIVE GIRL'S DEATH WILL BE QUICK NOT LIKE MY MOTHER'S AND SOMEONE NEEDS TO TAKE REVENGE ON MR. DARCY FOR HURTING MRS. DARCY LIKE THIS, BOY IF ONLY I HAD THE COLONEL'S SWORD...

...

L'il Orphan Johnny is planning on stabbing Darcy. So that's...that.
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Old June 25th, 2012, 10:41 AM   #131
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

I'm sorry. I no longer know what to say to this thread. My mind has been broken.
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Old June 25th, 2012, 12:34 PM   #132
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tundra View Post
I'm sorry. I no longer know what to say to this thread. My mind has been broken.
I have kind of lost track of the plot, but I am thoroughly enjoying this thread.
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Old June 26th, 2012, 09:31 AM   #133
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Quote:
Originally Posted by adelaidejane View Post
I have kind of lost track of the plot.
Basically:

HORRIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO EVERYONE.

Except the Darcys because the world revolves around them and their epic, unequalled love.

EXCEPT LOOK HORRIBLE THINGS MIGHT BE ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW AWESOME THEY ARE.

...phew, thank goodness the horrible Other People found out how awesome the Darcys are in time to save them from anything bad happening to them!

LIZZY: WAAAAAH IMMA CRY ABOUT IT ALL ANYWAY!

DARCY: ...can we do the sex, now?
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Old June 26th, 2012, 10:56 AM   #134
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Quote:
Originally Posted by snooze View Post
Basically:

HORRIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING TO EVERYONE.

Except the Darcys because the world revolves around them and their epic, unequalled love.

EXCEPT LOOK HORRIBLE THINGS MIGHT BE ABOUT TO HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW AWESOME THEY ARE.

...phew, thank goodness the horrible Other People found out how awesome the Darcys are in time to save them from anything bad happening to them!

LIZZY: WAAAAAH IMMA CRY ABOUT IT ALL ANYWAY!

DARCY: ...can we do the sex, now?
Love this. Now I'm up to speed! *rubs hands together*
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Old July 20th, 2012, 02:36 AM   #135
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Fifty-nine

NarraTeller: So it's really rare that Fitzwilliam spends time in London in the winter, but even weirder for him to go to Pemberley when the Season is in progress.

I'm not sure what bearing this has on anything because I can't say with any certainty what time of year it is, because after the Picnic Incident and Lydia's first pregnancy, time and seasons have ceased to have any meaning.

Whatever the case may be, Fitzwilliam inadvertently told Lizzy he loved her, so he had to fuck off to London. "...there he endured months of tortuous [sic], self-imposed exile."

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE.

Okay, now it's late May, and he's finally come back to announce something.

Originally, when he'd come to see Darcy and Elizabeth, and wound up spitting out the whole AHLURBOO, his initial plan had just been to pump Darcy for deets about what happened with Wickham.

Then he inadvertently DONE THE SAME THING (albeit emotional as opposed to physical, and declarative rather than pressing for his love to be requited, but do you really think Darcy will distinguish between levels of affront among those who have the gall to covet His Woman?) Fitzy had the good sense to flee the property (and county) before his cousin had a chance to find something sharp.

Fitzwilliam thus indulges in orgies of self-loathing and humiliation, fearing Lizzy thinks him a horndog and knowing their friendship is ruined.

However, he has to keep up appearances with Darcy or Darcy might suspect something is off-kilter, so he continues writing to his cousin.

It's all very overwrought and I guess I'm supposed to feel bad that Fitzwilliam is in such deep and painful torment over what happened and his feelings, ("...his misery was very nearly making him ill...") but honestly, I'm having trouble giving a shit. Everyone adores/lusts after Lizzy. Why should I pity the Colonel more than any other? In the crying-wolf sense, having someone be in lurrrve with Lizzy kind of loses its emotional punch when EVERYONE IS DOING IT.

He spends his days gleaning news of doings on the Continent, and predicts that Napoleon is still dangerous, though in exile on Elba, now, so we can conclude that we are now, at least, in May of 1814.

BUT WAIT NAPOLEON HAS ESCAPED AND GATHERED AN ARMY AND MARCHES ON PARIS IT IS NOW FEBRUARY 1815, SORRY FOR THE SUDDEN MOTION, PLEASE KEEP YOUR HANDS AND ARMS CLEAR UNTIL TIME HAS COME TO A COMPLETE STOP.

COLONEL: TO ARMS! LOOK OUT, BELGIUM, HERE I COME.

---

Back to Pemberley to break the news to everyone.

DARCY: SO GOOD TO SEE YOU BRO! PARTYYYYY!

Lady Matlock is notably absent because ew country in winter or something, but I'm still not sure which Lady Matlock they're referring to.

Party has Georgiana, Jane, Bingley, Bingley's sisters and Mr. Hurst in attendance.

Lizzy had hoped the Colonel might stick around after the incident, so she could make a joke out of it and lighten the mood. Basically, ease HER mind about it, because LAUGHING AT THE COLONEL ABOUT THAT IS KIND OF A DICK MOVE AND WOULD ONLY MAKE HIM FEEL WORSE.

But, no, let's bow to Lizzy's need to be comfortable at all times.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Crap crap crap this is a huge deal to him, apparently.

NARRATELLER: In the absence of any other eligible men, Caroline Bingley is wagging her ugly face at the Colonel, despite his lack of title or fortune.

Comparison is made to her chasing of Darcy, but, um, DARCY DOESN'T HAVE A TITLE, EITHER. CANNOT OVERSTATE THAT.



The Colonel is the guest of honour at the "family supper," and I'm wondering why their family supper sounds so damn much like a formal dinner. (Supper, is akin to an evening snack, except at balls. Sandwiches and other small, simple fare, in an informal setting, even taken in the drawing room or whatever.)

Lizzy catches Caroline re-arranging the PLACE CARDS to put herself next to the Colonel.

YEAH, PLACE CARDS, NOT REALLY A SUPPER THING.

"Caroline tended to be a bit crabby, which led Elizabeth to conjecture she had not yet (or at least not regularly) had her pleasure garden ploughed."

A ) NO. B ) THE POWER OF PEEN??? C ) NO. D ) SO MUCH WRONG WITH THE MISOGYNY IN THIS STATEMENT. WOMEN ARE NOT CREATURES OF EMOTION WHO SIMPLY NEED REGULAR BONING TO KEEP THEM SMILING BECAUSE GOD FORBID A WOMAN HAVE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS OR AWKWARD SOCIAL ENCOUNTERS BRED BY UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS AND INSTITUTIONALIZED SEXISM. E ) FUCK NO.

I am championing Caroline Bingley because somebody has to and Berdoll, you are so, so in the wrong with your ideas, here. I don't care if it's for humourous effect, or if people who don't 'get' it lack something in your estimation.

Guess what? Jane Austen never had her pleasure garden ploughed, either. And she was crabby as fuck from time to time, but that was mostly to do with the ridiculousness of people and the restrictions of her position as a single woman of limited means with serious health problems in later life.

It is perfectly fine that she died a virgin.

It is perfectly valid that she had negative emotions and judgey opinions.

If our Jane had gotten herself well and truly fucked (by Tom Lefroy, or Harris Bigg-Wither, whichever you like,) and resigned herself to a life of nothing but smiles and simpering, not only would she have likely never produced the works we adore, but worse--she would likely have been desperately unhappy in that life. Even if she had her nightly dose of dong from the prettiest of rockstars.

But back to the fuckery of Berdoll's 'romance.'

Despite the improvement Lizzy feels certain she would see in Miss Bingley's temper, she would not wish such a cruelty upon the Colonel as having to have sex with CAROLINE BINGLEY. HORRORS.

Also, more Latin references to vaginas.

Then again, Lizzy comforts herself, that even Caroline would have to go to such lengths as personally insulting the Colonel before he (being a single man) would refuse to do the sex. Because all single men want the sex. Even from repellant uggos like Caroline Bingley.

After 'supper' the men retire for port and tobacco (chewing? smoking? sniffing?) but then, as the ladies take to their sewing in the drawing room, above the whining and screaming of the assorted Bingley and Hurst children being hauled complainingly to bed (I get the feeling that the Darcy children will NEVER make such noise!) Lizzy can hear her husband's raised voice.

Only Georgiana and Lizzy seem aware that there are men shouting in the library. Lizzy wants to go eavesdrop, but knows to do so would only invite comment from Caroline.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Damn you, Caroline, cramping my eavesdropping style! YOU'RE A LIFE RUINER. YOU RUIN LIVES.

---

Meanwhile, in the Man Cave.

BINGLEY: Fitzy! It's not like Napoleon will ever have power, again! There's not going to be another war! :3

Awwwwww he's cute.

COLONEL: WRONG. Also, Napoleon is tiny and that is the truth and not at all an exaggeration by cartoonists.

Oh, Matlock IS there. The Colonel's older brother, then. Mr. Hurst is passed out drunk. He doesn't say anything.

MATLOCK: Hurrr the French are confusing.

COLONEL: I LEAVE TO FIGHT TOMORROW.

DARCY: You're a great soldier, don't get me wrong, but YOU ALREADY DID YOUR DUTY. You got wounded and stuff and aren't required to go back into battle by any law, so you can just stay in England and train people.

COLONEL: EXACTLY. The Dutch and Belgians are horribly trained.

Lots of names are thrown around because POLITICS and RESEARCH and I'm not going to bother double-checking everything set down here but I can only invite you to take the information with whatever grain of salt seems appropriate, given what we know of Berdoll's general lack of success with presenting factual information.

DARCY: BASICALLY IT'LL BE A SLAUGHTER.

COLONEL: AND I AM BRAVE ENOUGH TO THROW MYSELF INTO IT.

DARCY: STAAAAY.

MATLOCK: That young Howgrave fellow has a commission in the Fourteenth Hussars.

DARCY: ONLY BECAUSE HE LIKES THEIR HATS, OKAY. HE'S STILL A DICK.

MATLOCK: Indeed. Hats. Heeeeee.

What am I even reading.

BINGLEY: I hear that Hinchcliffe kid has gone to fight, too. Anyway, as long as the trade that finances my fortunes is secure, I don't much care about what happens in France.

Darcy paces about the room muttering about blood and massacres.

He should know.

He actually *curses*, and Lizzy hears him through two rooms away, and the rest is drowned out by the nurses herding the kids upstairs, at last. (WHAT ARE THEY EVEN DOING DOWNSTAIRS THEY DINE IN THE NURSERY GEEZ NONE OF THEM ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BE DOWNSTAIRS WITH THE ADULTS AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.)

Lizzy curses, too, but luckily no one hears her.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: WTF IS GOING ON.

GEORGIANA: Lizzy. Psst. Hey. Lizzy. You know what's happening, right? Fitzwilliam is going to Belgium ASAP to fight Napoleon in single combat.

LIZZY: WHAT.

GEORGIANA: ...my gosh, don't you read?

NARRATELLER: NO, WAIT, SHE TOTALLY DOES. HER HUSBAND SHARES ALL HIS NEWSPAPERS WITH HER BECAUSE EQUAL RIGHTS OR SOMETHING.

"[Lizzy] fancied there were few ladies more informed about public events than she."

SUPERHERO.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Crap, the first opportunity I have to discuss world affairs in my peer group and I must sound SO STUPID. Wait, how does GEORGIANA know about this stuff?

LIZZY: YOU KNOW NOTHING GEORGIANA BEST TO HOLD YOUR TONGUE UNTIL WE KNOW FOR SURE. *pat pat*

GEORGIANA: No, I know he's going, and we both know why.

LIZZY: .................................what.

GEORGIANA: I heard Lady Catherine abusing you that day, and came to defend you. The Colonel got there first.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

GEORGIANA: The Colonel would rather die in battle than cause problems in the family!

LIZZY: IF THERE WERE ONLY ANYTHING I COULD DO TO CHANGE THINGS...

Well, you can't, so it's all hot air and philosophy, and sorry all the noble intentions in the world can't change things and earn you no points.

LIZZY: I'm pretty convinced the Colonel just has a crush, though...

At this moment, Darcy busts in, RAGING. Georgiana withdraws. Darcy just glares at Bingley's sisters until they, and Jane, leave.

Once they're gone, Darcy goes and punches the mantlepiece so the knick-knacks jump. Holy crap construction, Batman!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I'd like to ask a question...

DARCY'S POSTURE: NO, PUT YOUR HAND DOWN.

DARCY: FITZWILLIAM IS THE BEST SOLDIER THAT EVER SOLDIERED BUT LET'S BE REAL HE IS GOING TO CATCH A CANNONBALL IN HIS TEETH.

LIZZY: ...he survived one war!

DARCY: YEAH AND HE'S GOING TO DIE IN THIS ONE. HE DOESN'T SEEK GLORY. WHY IS HE DOING THIS. WHY.

LIZZY: *facehands*

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I SHOULD GO TO FITZWILLIAM TONIGHT AND TELL HIM NOT TO GO. I CAN ASSURE HIM WE CAN FORGET ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME, AND THAT IT MEANS NOTHING AND HIS FEELINGS ARE IN NO WAY VALID AND DEFINITELY NOT A REASON TO GO GET HIMSELF KILLED AND THRUST THAT GUILT AND RESPONSIBILITY ONTO MEEEEE.

DARCY: He leaves at dawn.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: WELP, I TRIED. NO TIME TO TALK TO HIM. ALL I CAN DO IS LET HIM GO.
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Old August 28th, 2012, 01:10 AM   #136
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Chapter Sixty

Alright, so it's been a while since I could hold my head up high.

Where were we?

Aha, right, railroading the Colonel off to bloody Continental doom because he dared fall in love with Lizzy, as do all the men in this book.

Darcy decides he Must Stop This and rides off in the pre-dawn, brooding, to throw himself in front of Fitzwilliam and beg him not to go.

Their conversation goes like this:

DARCY: ...so. Taking a horse?

COLONEL: Might be helpful.

DARCY: Yeah.

COLONEL: ...

DARCY: Doesn't look like rain.

COLONEL: Indeed. Fortunate.

DARCY: Mhm.

COLONEL: ...

DARCY: So, uh, here's a list of names of friends of mine in France, if you ever need, y'know, some help or whatever. Whatever, it's nothing, really. Just in case. Y'know. Stuff.

COLONEL: Cool.

DARCY: "...do cover your ballocks."

COLONEL: Will do. Thanks.

ME: What the hell did I just read?

To conclude: Darcy is the worst at Stopping Things, EVER.

Also we all got to take a moment to think about Colonel Fitzwilliam's ballsack.

---

Darcy rides back to Pemberley and dismounts, almost collapsing with the fatigue of the morning's exertions, after "...[h]is sleepless night and the exercise of his seldom-used sentimentality."

That's right. The merest non-attempt at being NICE to his COUSIN/BEST FRIEND very nearly brings our intrepid hero to his knees.

A SURPRISE JOHN CHRISTIE APPEARS!

LI'L ORPHAN JOHNNY: *glares*

Oh, right, hadn't he vowed to kill Darcy ages ago, or something?

DARCY: What do you want?

LERTLE ERPHAN JERNNY: TER SPERK TER YER. IRN PRERVERT.

NARRATOR: Gasp shock awe how very dare he speak so to the Master of Pemberley?

DARCY: ...ooooookay, then.

They go a few steps away so the mystified servants have to strain a little to hear every word.

OH JOHNNY BOY THE PIPES THE PIPES ARE CAAALLIN': SO. ME MAM USED T'WERK AT PEMBERLEY BEFORE I WERE BERN. DID YER KNERW THA'?

DARCY: Yeah, she did.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Alright, Wickham's bastard wants money. I will give him a shilling because his father is a prick.

WHATEVER JOHNNY WANTS JOHNNY GETS: BLERH BLERH BLARH--somewhere in a really wordy bit of dialogue, John accuses Darcy of not recalling which peasants he banged etc. etc. and Darcy probably banged the non-miserable half of Derbyshire because John knows these sorts of things yes he does.

DARCY'S FACE: *HULK MAAAAD*

HIS NAME WAS JOHNNY HE WAS A SHOWGIRL: Hoshit *backs up but figures he may as well continue digging himself this grave because THEY CAN'T STOP NOW THIS IS MISINFORMED ACCUSATION COUNTRY* ME MAM 'AD A 'ARSH LIFE AN' YER CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE AN' IT'S ALL YER FAULT. ER. I DON'T WANT NO MONEY, I WANTERED TO KNOW MAH DADDY FOR A GREAT MAN BUT YER NOTHIN' BUT A RICH MAN WHO SCREWS ALL THE GIRLS THEN WOT CHUCKS 'EM OUT! YER WIFE AN' SISTER ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE SO THEY ARE THE ONLY REASON I BOTHER WITH YER BECAUSE IF THEY SEE SOMETHING GOOD IN YOU OKAY THEN. ONLY NOT OKAY BECAUSE ~schhhing!~

And he pulls a dagger.

A ridiculously huge and old-fashioned dagger, which John intends to...throw? Despite standing right in front of Darcy.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: LOL DAT BLADE

DARCY: *just folds his arms and stands there*

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: I'D RATHER BE MURDERED THAN LET IT BE KNOWN I RAN FROM A SERVANT!

Idiot.

John flings it, and it lands in the dirt between Darcy's feet, where John apparently meant to throw it. So, yay, he can get fired AND nicked for attempted murder? ENJOY THE GALLOWS, KID.

DAH DOO JOHN JOHN JOHN DAH DOO JOHN JOHN: REVENGE IS MINE. HANG ME I DON'T CARE BUT I WON'T MAKE YOUR LADIES MOURN FOR YOU SO WHATEVER WAH NIHLISM.

Worst. Revenge. Ever.

DARCY: For fuck's sake, come back here, boy. I'm not your Dad. If I were, I would acknowledge it.

Chyeah. We all remember that moral waffling several chapters ago when you thought he COULD be your son.

JOHNNY B. GOODE: So, who's my dad?

DARCY: Uuuuuuuuuuuuum.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: EVADE, EVADE.

DARCY: Only your mother knows.

And she's dead. Handy. And DID she really know? All in all Darcy has offered no concrete proof of his NOT being John's father, nor any evidence of who he believes IS the father. For a man he wanted dead, John is sure easily swayed to believe his every word.

JOHN O' GROATS: ...oh piss it. "Damn yer all." *stomps off*

---

LIZZY: DID YOU STOP FITZWILLIAM?

DARCY: Your groom just accused me of being his dad. I told him I wasn't, but didn't tell him about Wickham.

LIZZY: How did he ever get that idea? What did he want?

DARCY: Me dead. LOL, look at this shitty knife?

LIZZY: OMG WTF KNIFE

DARCY: CALM DOWN WOMAN I'M ALIVE AREN'T I? HE WASN'T SERIOUS. YOU KNOW KIDS THESE DAYS AND THEIR KNIFE FIGHTS.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: On the one hand, that poor kid. On the other hand HOW DARE YOU THREATEN MY DARCY AND MAKE HIM FEEL UNCOMFORTABLY GUILTY FOR HIS PAST ACTIONS AND PART IN DISMISSING YOUR MOTHER TO A LIFE OF DEGRADATION AND POVERTY I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

LIZZY: "You have more goodness, more character, more love and righteousness than any man I have ever known..." Sung to the tune of Rock Star Sex God.

DARCY: D'aw. *smooches*

THOUGHTS OF BOTH: ...yeah but you still screwed his mother all the same.

...how is this still being made an issue? The paternity's been cleared up, things are kind of awkward and sad, but, um, Darcy's done a lot of screwing in his time. C'est la dong. Let's get over it and move on.
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Old September 25th, 2012, 03:04 AM   #137
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Chapter Sixty-One

So no one realizes Georgiana is missing until late in the afternoon.

Narrateller: LIZZY REALIZES IT AND WOULD HAVE REALIZED IT SOONER BUT SUCH A TRYING DAY ETCETERA AND SHE JUST ASSUMED GEORGIANA HAD GONE OFF TO BE ALONE BECAUSE IT WAS JUST SUCH A RUBBISH DAY AND INDEED DEAR SHINY LIZZY LONGS FOR THAT KIND OF RESPITE HERSELF BUT ALAS SHE CANNOT FIND IT POOR LIZZY FEELS SO TERRIBLY ABOUT ALL THIS

And in case we'd missed it or forgotten the throwaway sentence of exposition there, amidst the PARAGRAPH of giving Lizzy a woe-is-me meta tongue bath,

GEORGIANA HAS GONE FUCKING MISSING.

---

But more of that later.

Back to Lizzy.

Lizzy feels bad. So bad. All the bad things are her fault and so she feels super-bad. And now Darcy feels bad, so she feels even worse, because that's what married people are like.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Even if he manages, somehow, to come back alive and unscathed, THERE IS STILL THE PROBLEM OF HIS AWKWARD AWKWARD CRUSH ON ME. And GOD, John Christie, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING YOU DUMBFUCK? Maybe I should send a messenger to find him and tell him he's not about to be shot.

She thinks about this, but ultimately doesn't DO anything about it, because of reasons and then it's dusk and Georgiana is still missing and Lizzy is "seriously uneasy."

I SHOULD HOPE SO.

Apparently Mrs. Annesley, Georgiana's companion, at some unspecified point in the past, had gotten dementia and so Georgiana no longer has a companion. (Also shouldn't she have Lizzy for that? No? Never mind me.)

Whatever, Mrs. A is nearly blind and completely deaf but the RULE at Pemberley is never to dismiss a servant, so rather than sending her to her daughter to...IDK be looked after and enjoy her retirement, they find some work for her to do because it's better to die in the saddle at Pemberley than retire on the basis of being elderly and frail.

Remember the old butler who wanders around putting out all the candles?

The footman who had previously been assigned to follow him around re-lighting the candles, now has to wrangle Mrs. Annesley into doing it.

OH MY GOD THIS IS TOO RIDICULOUS FOR WORDS.

LOOK I KNOW YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE DARCY THE SQUISHIEST EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES EMPLOYER THAT EVER DANCED A GAVOTTE BUT SERIOUSLY THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

Meanwhile they're 'interviewing' for a new companion for Georgiana but it's a slow process. (Apparently because every urchin who passes within ten miles of Pemberley is given some piddling job to do 24/7 and get paid a full wage for it.)

This means Georgiana can actually walk around freely, where she likes, without constantly being observed. THIS MAKES DARCY UNHAPPY BECAUSE HE IS A CONTROL FREAK.

So Lizzy finally finds Anne, Georgiana's lady-maid lady's maid, and interrogates her. The maid hasn't seen her since that morning, and then they quickly discover a bag and several gowns are missing.

OH SNAP.

GUUURL.

WHAT.

She goes downstairs to tell Darcy, but Darcy is being told that a gig is missing and so is John Christie so he must've stolen it.

DARCY: Just let it go, okay. This day. Ugh.

STABLEMASTER: I think he means to join up as a soldier.

DARCY: Okay.

STABLEMASTER: But I wonder that he didn't just walk.

DARCY: Whatever.

LIZZY: Your sister is missing.

DARCY: ...THAT LITTLE SHIT KIDNAPPED HER!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: AUGH IT'S THE STAB PEOPLE FACE I KNOW THAT FACE I HAVE SEEN THAT FACE REMEMBER WHEN HE STABBED PEOPLE? QUICK I MUST STOP HIM BECAUSE WE HAVE A MATTER OF SECONDS UNTIL HE MURDERS SOMEONE.

Seriously.

LIZZY: Who packs a bag for being abducted? I think she WANTED to go.

DARCY: *DESTRUCTION SEQUENCE...AVERTED* NNNNGH.

They dispatch any number of riders and furnish them well with gold to pay their ways and get information and then Darcy and Lizzy just sit on the steps at Pemberley with WTF written all over their faces.

DARCY: Imma search her room for more clues!

There's nothing there, it's super-tidy, just some untouched perfume bottles on her dressing-table from Darcy because after almost twenty years of what is supposed to be a super-close relationship, he hasn't a clue what else he could possibly get his sister as gifts.

Then they find her journal.

It's just filled with a bunch of copied quotations on the power of love over death and fear etc. etc. etc.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: HOW COULD I NOT HAVE REALIZED HOW LONELY AND IN LOVE SHE WAS? IT IS UNFORGIVEABLE THAT I DID NOT SEE THIS!

DARCY: ...wait, so she...eloped with John Christie?

LIZZY: NO. Please don't have a stroke. I mean...we can't be certain...maybe she was speaking...symbolically?

DARCY: ...a symbol of what?

LIZZY: She does feel very strongly about nursing the sick...

DARCY: YOU'RE TELLING ME SHE'S GONE TO BE A NURSE IN THE BLOODY WAR?

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: phew at least she's not run off to marry a GROOM because that would be truly horrible

DARCY: WICKHAM'S BASTAAARD!

LIZZY & DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...wait, until this morning, John believed Darcy was his father. Yeeeeah no, no romance with Georgiana. We hope.

DARCY: QUICK, WHAT OTHER BOYS HAS SHE EVER MET IN HER LIFETIME? IT COULD BE ANY ONE OF THOSE JERKS!

LIZZY: Maybe she really DOES just want to be a nurse!

DARCY: AND GET KILLED!

After an awful night, Darcy is determined to go after her.

DARCY: MY DUTY TO PROTECT BLAH BLAH BLAH HER GUARDIAN I WILL ALLOW HER FREE WILL BUT I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE SHE IS SAFE

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Bullshit, you are going to lock her up until she's forty.

Darcy's coach is readied, and I'm wondering why he doesn't bloody well RIDE, as it'll be fucking faster, but what do I know of trying to track someone down when time is of the essence?

DARCY: I WILL SNATCH MY SISTER FROM NAPOLEON'S HANDS MYSELF JUST YOU WATCH ME.

He'd heroically spur his mount off into the sunset but he's riding in a plush carriage so, y'know...he probably just sits there looking grim in a top hat while the footmen load his trunk and things and then pull out along the drive at a sedate pace.
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Old September 28th, 2012, 03:59 AM   #138
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Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife - Chapter Sixty-Two

Note: If I ever hear anyone say "flummery" in real life, I'll probably smack you in the teeth.

Narrateller: Most men would have just paid someone to track down their sister.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: BUT DARCY IS NOT MOST MEN.

"...her husband's personal courage was far greater than most men's, both of rank and lesser."

Don't care who you are, peasant or king, Darcy owns ALL of your asses.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: But the danger he will face! If the army is so troubled, what chance does Darcy have? And Georgiana has even LESS chance!

Or something.

Lizzy struggles not to be pissed at Georgiana because she should have KNOWN that Darcy would go after her and put his precious, precious self in danger.

LIZZY: STUPID GIRL IS THINKING WITH HER HEART AND NOT HER HEAD!

LOVE: ONLY ACCEPTABLE IF YOU ARE DARCY AND LIZZY AND WITH EACH OTHER.

Also apparently we are now back to Just Prior to Darcy's Departure, despite the ending of the last chapter. Ah, pointless timeskips, how I've not missed you. Berderp can neither tell a linear story, nor use flashbacks for cohesive effect. It's like she just realized she forgot to say something she wanted to say so shrugged and slammed it into the next chapter. Also probably why there is such a large chapter to page ratio in this book.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: NO TIME FOR SEX OR WHISPERS OR PROMISES OR COMFORT HE'S JUST GOING TO GO.

DARCY: I WILL GO ALONE AND IN SECRET, SHE IS VULNERABLE AND NO ONE SHALL KNOW OF HER FLIGHT! ALONE. YOU ARE TO STAY HERE, LIZZY.

LIZZY: "Not only had she asked, she had wheedled, beseeched, and deliberately wept."

Because NOW is the time for manipulative crying, you thoughtless, silly cow.

DARCY: "I can travel with much greater dispatch alone, by horseback if necessary..."

SO WHY DON'T YOU, YOU GLORIOUS BRAINPUCKER?

LIZZY: *poutvoice* "I CAN RIDE HORSEBACK!"

I don't care how naturally awesome at everything you are, sit the fuck down Elizabeth you are not helping.

At least with regards to crying, Lizzy "chastise[s] herself for resorting to such a feminine weapon," and while I'm glad we're calling out the manipulative crying, I really wish it weren't via misogyny. Feminine? Really, Berdoll? You wanna go the "but she's not like THOSE kinds of girls!" route? Again? Because all things feminine are weak and icky, right?

DARCY: Oh, just in case I don't come back, my last will and testament is in the third drawer on the left.

LIZZY: *falls the fuck apart and becomes unable to mentally cope or process anything*

DARCY: Remember how to use this gun, like I showed you? Because you'll totally be unprotected here at Pemberley surrounded by loyal servants and loving friends and family because some random tramp is going to decide he's in love with you and break in and ravish you and we can't have that.

LIZZY: ...

DARCY: Lizzy?

LIZZY: Bbbbbbbbbpt.

DARCY: Aw, crap. C'mere, you. *cuddles* You understand why I'm doing all this, right?

LIZZY: Yeah.

And then she slaps the fuck out of him. Hard. Twice.

Darcy grabs her wrists so she can't do it a third time, and they struggle, and she flails at his manly manly shoulders, and he holds her and she nearly falls over and isn't it just the most dramatic thing you've ever seen?

LIZZY: ("wailed") DON'T LEEEAAAVE MEEEE. TAKE ME WITH YOOOU! I CANNOT BEAR IT IF YOU LEAVE FOR I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN!

They fall onto the carpet and she touches his face and then the carriage is ready and he must go.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: Aw shit I should've written him a cutesy adoring letter and hidden it in his luggage.

"She mouthed the words, 'I love you.'
He wordlessly said, 'I know.'"

NO YOU DID NOT JUST CO-OPT A GREATER LOVE STORY FOR THIS FUCKING TRAVESTY OF A NOVEL.



NO.

HAN AND LEIA HATE YOU AND SO DO I.

Lizzy watches the carriage take off, and wonders briefly if she ought to have told him the one thing that might've kept him there.

LIZZY: *knocked up again lol*

END OF PART TWO
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Old October 14th, 2012, 09:58 PM   #139
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Chapter Sixty-Three

Part three! Are you excited? I'm not.

The Colonel's regiment is at Portsmouth. They'll...sail from there, up the straight, to Dover?

Because that makes TOTAL sense and doesn't put any ships or men at risk, at all.

Darcy just directs his carriage straight to Dover because Darcy is smarter than all those silly generals in charge of moving the army around.

---

NARRATELLER: Tornado of dust! Relentless hooves! Darcy's beautiful, beautiful, bred-for-stamina horses! Under normal circumstances, Darcy would be congratulating himself on being such a fine breeder/carer of horses! But such is his emotional tumult that he partakes in NO patting himself on the back!

Vapid text, and only further illustrating what a self-congratulatory douche Darcy is.

He hasn't checked what jewels his sister specifically may have taken, but any one stone from her NUMEROUS pieces would be worth a 'king's ransom'.

Once more, Darcy has limitless money and of course Georgiana has billions of pounds' worth of sparkly shit because unmarried girls just DO.

NOT.

BERDOLL. HEY. HEY YOU. FASHION FOR UNMARRIED GIRLS TENDED TOWARDS THE UNDERSTATED. WHY ARE YOU TARTING UP GEORGIANA LIKE SOME KIND OF KEPT WOMAN?

"It was an embarassing admission, but he had to concede that his fragile sister had totally flummoxed him."

SHE AIN'T FRAGILE, MORON. Georgiana, kick his ass, please. *examines fingernails*

He appreciates her daring impertinence, though? Great. Except she's a sheltered rich girl runaway who is going to get torn to shreds by the real world?

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: If she wanted an adventure why not just go on an artistic trip to Greece or something?

NARRATELLER: Darcy acknowledges that he'd've found something to bitch about in regards to Greece, anyway.

TRUTH.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: I LET HER WRITE. I ALLOWED THAT. SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN CONTENT WITH THAT. SHE MUST THINK SHE'S IN LOVE. THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS MEANS NO ONE CAN TRULY LOVE HER IT'S JUST FOR HER MONEY OH GOD SHE'S GOING TO GET HURT.

His primary concern is getting her back to Pemberley, "unsoiled" in both person and reputation.

Don't worry, you will. You're Mr. Darcy and this is your book and you can do no fucking wrong.

He plans to intercept the Colonel at Dover and consult with him, and also stops to talk to Bingley. (BINGLEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN DOVER I DON'T EVEN KNOW)

"His Herculean determination was looked upon with wonder by his weary coachmen."

Well yeah they've been DRIVING like STINK for untold HOURS. Darcy's been brooding in the plush interior.

The Colonel's ship is not stopping at Dover (wtf why are they even sailing up the channel, then? Why not head straight for France?)

Thus, Darcy must depart for the Continent. (Oooooh aaaaah!)

He sends notice of his journey and the name of his ship to Lizzy, and as he boards is jostled by a group dragging two drunk men aboard ship because LOL PRESSGANGING.

Normally Darcy would stand against the entire Royal Navy and the legal practice of impressment during times of war because HERO but he's got his own problems, now, man.

He goes to practice his French and try not to vomit. Some teen boy IS vomiting so hard he nearly pitches himself overboard and Darcy hauls him back and tells him quite knowingly that he'll soon be alright.

DARCY: Be proud to be in the navy, it's the greatest navy in the world. (Contrary to the inward bitching he just did about not being blinded by patriotism and press gangs how awful etc..)

KID: I'm not in the Navy, I'm in the Army. I'm going off to war and will probably die.

lol like the Navy is so much safer than being in the Army.

DARCY: True.

"Bonjour. Comment allez-vouz? S'il vous plait. Je m'appelle Monsieur D'Arcy."

DIEU.
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Old October 14th, 2012, 11:13 PM   #140
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Sixty-Four

What Darcy doesn't know is that John & Georgiana are still in Portsmouth.

LOL.

John finds some Derbyshire kid who doesn't REALLY want to join the Army and trades him for his uniform (???) and so has joined the Army, himself. IDK that's how it works or something. They then wait until there's enough people from Derbyshire to flesh out their unit (...what?) and then they sail.

There's a lot of backflashy rambling about John Christie's simmering resentment at the many many sins of Mr. Darcy for ruining his mother and countless other women and being unfaithful to Mrs. Darcy and so he was going to kill Mr. Darcy and challenge him to a duel.

Only he has no sword nor any idea of how a duel actually works. He has a vague notion that he has to slap someone's face with a pair of kid gloves, which he doesn't own.

JOHN'S THOUGHTS: WELP, I TRIED.

So the only option left is to stab Darcy to death with his piddly little knife, change his name, run away without being caught, and join the Army and God would of course smile on him and place him in Colonel Fitzwilliam's regiment and they would go off into the sunset killing Napoleon's men. (OTP!)

Again, pages and pages of explaining every character's thought process, while we already know the outcome: nothing much happens.

JOHN'S THOUGHTS: Noooooo he is sympathetic and not actually my dad auuuugh foiled!

His pathos is so BORING.

Georgiana finds him with his hobo-stick and asks him to drive her gig as she's planning on ditching Pemberley, too.

Neither of them knows how much to sell the gig for, because Georgiana's a privileged ignoramus, and John is a poor ignoramus.

They settle on twenty pounds, but John immediately feels they asked too little because the guy they sold it to is far too pleased with the price. But he doesn't actually go back and insist on higher, either.

They take seperate rooms above an alehouse and Georgiana is all horrified at the smell but John's like HOME SWEET HOME.

They promise to stick together. I don't care.

Georgiana insists she's the wife of an officer and wishes to go nurse, and however much the captain doubts her, he takes her on-board once she presents him with ten pounds for her passage.

What the hell.

Ten pounds for the CROSSING and who the hell is the ship captain to guarantee her any sort of place in a nursing corps for the ARMY?

"For a young woman believed to be an innocent, Georgiana was not naive."

No, pretty sure she is.

Ten pounds.

Fuck's sake.

But she takes to sailing like a--well, like a duck to water and is everything cheerful and level-headed and GEORGIANA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THERE IS NOTHING SENSIBLE ABOUT THIS.

They make landfall, and John is given a gun and puts on his snazzy uniform.

JOHN'S THOUGHTS: OH FUCK FRENCHMEN. D: D: D:

John and another boy are asked to join the Grenadiers because they're tall so they can throw grenades over their comrades' heads and not into their spines.

JOHN: "Miss Georgiana," this is gonna be a hot mess.

MISS DARCY TO YOU AND OF COURSE IT BLOODY WELL IS WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

GEORGIANA: *all sage and shit* WAR IS HELL. I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR COMING WITH ME.

JOHN: Thank me later. If we're both alive.

She kisses him on the cheek and other soldiers are like OMG WHISTLE WOO YOU GO DUDE and I'm like what the fuck and John feels his icy black heart thaw, a little.

Sometime on the road south, he asked Georgiana why she was running away, and she said "love" and left it at that and so did he.

I'm trying SO hard to care, you have NO IDEA.
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Old October 15th, 2012, 07:00 AM   #141
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Chapter Sixty-Five

Seriously the chapters are, like, four pages apiece, now.

SO the dust of Darcy's departure hasn't settled but Jane and Bingley are already on their way to Pemberley because the random conversation Darcy had with Bingley about whatever tipped him off that something was wrong? (Was Bingley in Dover? Or did Darcy take a detour to have a coffee morning with Bingers?)

Their visit is a blessing to Lizzy (it better be) who has been keeping up brave appearances until their arrival, and she shocks the hell out of them by giving Jane AND Bingley hugs. (Hugging her sister is a cause for OMG? Really? I hate this book and what it's done to the Lizzy/Jane dynamic.)

Lizzy has a spell of 'hysteria' and she tells them everything the minute they enter the drawing-room and they're all standing around awkwardly as she blubbers about Georgiana and Darcy and the "tentacles of the impending battle" what.

BINGLEY: How has he gone to France? With who? How was he going to recover his sister?

LIZZY: However he can. Alone. I have NO FUCKING IDEA.

"Observing her increasing alarm, Bingley summoned considerable ingenuity in a lengthy answering of all his own questions, registering a more reasonable rationale than one would suspect of him."

BECAUSE BINGLEY IS A DOOFY PUPPY OF AN IDIOT MUCH LIKE HIS WIFE, APPARENTLY.

Let's have a moment of silence for Mr. Bingley. In Berdoll's hamfisted characterization, he's come out closer to being the sort of airheaded manchild Austen originally meant Mr. Collins to be.

BINGLEY: ...but perhaps he has already found her.

JANE: Yes, let's hope for the best!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: You are all morons and wrong and I hate you.

"But she gave leave to Jane and Bingley to think that they had cheered her."

JANE: Remember how he tracked down Lydia and Wickham and saw them married? He'll solve this one, too.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: "GRAETNA GREEN" IS IN NO WAY COMPARABLE TO THE WASTELANDS OF BATTLE!

A ) Learn how to spell.
B ) ...Darcy never bothered with Gretna Green--Mr. Bennet and Mr. Gardiner had already determined they hadn't gone beyond London before Darcy got involved.
C ) JUST GO AWAY.

BINGLEY: I will help!

Lizzy doesn't object, which is apparently a sign of how deep her distress is, that she doesn't immediately rebuff her brother in law and her husband's best friend's offer to be of assistance.

BINGLEY: TO PORTSMOUTH! I wish Darcy had told me...I'd rather go with him than think of him going alone!

LIZZY: *totally forgives him all other faults* It's probably best that he goes alone, though.

Lizzy is determined to be brave but she feels the room begin to spin so shoves her head between her knees.

Jane is so distressed by this that she might faint, herself, and so adopts the same position.

What the hell, Bennet sisters. What the hell.

LIZZY: I'm pregnant.

JANE: omg yay!

LIZZY: Darcy doesn't know.

What would I give for the next sentence to be "...it's not his."

LIZZY: I HAVE ONLY TOLD YOU AND NO ONE ELSE MUST KNOW UNTIL I CAN TELL DARCY MYSELF.

...good luck with that.

They spend the evening laughing and crying and then Jane insists Lizzy get some sleep and offers to sleep with her but Lizzy's--sorry, "their"--bedchamber is sacred or something.

She sits on Darcy's side of the bed, palpitates her stomach, and navel-gazes.

She finds one of his shirts under the bed, and had the valet ever found out about it, he'd've been horrified, but apparently when Goodwin picked up the laundry in the room he didn't bother accounting for every article which he put upon his master's person and didn't care to inquire.

Anyway, finders keepers and it SMELLS LIKE DARCY so of course Lizzy sits there huffing it and wears it to bed.

---

With the help of her husband's soiled shirt, Lizzy ceases to "obsess."

...um.

Clinging to soiled laundry...yeah, nice to see you're working through your unhealthy fixations.

As a diversion, Jane suggests they make the final arrangements to bring the bastard Bingley baby to Pemberley.

"...the baby that Bingley's woman (Elizabeth could not think of that loose woman in a less derogatory term) had birthed..."

Oh my god you misogynistic TUMOUR. Bingley's WOMAN was of the servant/labouring class, consumptive, and clearly loved Bingley to some extent.

Bingley used this woman in the basest physical sense, as it's implied his love to Jane is unquestionable, at least in Jane's mind. But he's forgiven for being sympathetic to Darcy's plight? whereas this WOMAN is loose and it's all her fault and let's blame her. Also, she is DEAD, so respect for the -- no? No respect for the dead and put-upon of the lower orders? No? She's just a scheming whore with nothing better to do?

I hate you, Lizzy. I. HATE. YOU.

They decide Lizzy, Mrs. Reynolds, and Georgiana's lady's maid would go to get the baby. Not sure why the lady's maid is going along, but there you go. Jane waits back at the house, and off they go to collect baby.

---

The rocky roads make Lizzy ill in the carriage, but she doesn't vomit until the carriage stops and everyone else is alighting while she spews out the other side of the carriage. Upon looking up, the housekeeper hands her a hanky.

Given that she's vomiting all over the place and apparently has a palpable lump in her abdomen, she's got to be a fair ways along, a few months, at least. No way do the servants not know, yet.

Lizzy reflects that if 30 minutes in a coach makes her so unwell, the crossing by ship would have been "lethal."

Um, there's only so much vomit one can vomit. Also, motion sickness =/= morning sickness. And in that short a time frame, it will not kill you, and you will still be able to take in fluids enough to keep you alive until you made shore.

Charlotte Bronte vomited herself to death. You, Lizzy Darcy, will be just fucking fine.

Even THINKING about the ocean makes her feel even more upchucky, so she quickly turns her attention to the cottage.

From a distance, she had thought it quaintly pretty. Up close it is giny and in disrepair and there are chickens wandering in and out of a broken door.

Wow, and this is on the Pemberley estate? BEST LANDLORD MY ASS, DARCY.

Now a woman of Lizzy's station is apparently too mighty to enter such a place but Lizzy is DIFFERENT and will look this dying woman in the eye as she takes her child from her arms.

In the cottage, the woman's parents and other family members are just hanging around. (WHAT. IF THERE IS EXTENDED FAMILY WHY AREN'T THEY CARING FOR THE CHILD? OR IS JANE'S OFFER VIA HER SISTER TO RAISE THE KID AT PEMBERLEY A BETTER CHOICE? PROBABLY. BUT YOU'D THINK THERE'D BE SOME SORROW FROM THE GRANDMOTHER, AT LEAST.)

It's evident they haven't shunned their daughter for having a kid out of wedlock, so one can only assume they love the child to some degree.

Lizzy goes into the bedroom and beneath a faded quilt is the young woman, like the house, pretty from a distance but ew gross up close because consumption how dare she be sick and look sickly?

"She was really only a girl and the only thing obscene about her was the handkerchief spotted with blood that she had held to her mouth."

HOW DARE YOU BE ILL IN FRONT OF LIZZY? HOW VERY DARE YOU BE DYING!

Baby's name is Charles.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I CAN'T INTRODUCE THIS BABY AS CHARLES. I DON'T CARE HOW COMMON A NAME IT IS.

LIZZY: ...any other names?

CONSUMPTOMUM: ...his middle name is Alexander?

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I will call you Alexander.

Baby grabs her earring and GrandMum is horrified but Lizzy just uncurls his fingers from it and it sounds really pissy the way it's written even though I think it's meant to make us understand how awesome with kids Lizzy is or something.

LIZZY: So...what's your name?

CONSUMPTOMUM: Mary.

LIZZY: I have a sister named Mary!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: No one likes her.

Then Mary coughs and Lizzy's like WHOA GERMS OKAY BYE only she's apparently all tactful and gracious and shit when she's depriving people of their infants.

Lizzy stops long enough to remove her earrings and hand them to the family, who are grateful for it and find it not at all a crass gesture. Somehow.

"...they were modest by Darcy standards (and once belonged to Darcy's grandmother),...[but] the earrings were worth a great deal."

Of course they were. Also I find it hilarious to note that anything modest by Darcy standards is STILL hugely expensive and Lizzy just wears the heirloom jewels out to pick up dirty peasant babies like it's no thang.

Also some renewed hate for Bingley because he is obviously not doing much to help support this family.

They all get back into the carriage and Lizzy is crying because SHE KNOWS HOW MARY FEELS TO LOSE A CHILD SHE HAS TOTALLY LOST A CHILD LET'S REMIND OURSELVES OF LIZZY'S FEELINGS ABOVE THE FEELINGS OF EVERYONE ELSE.

The baby is blonde, but not markedly like Jane and Bingley's kids, at all. Whew.

Lizzy wiggles her fingers at him to make him come to her and takes the baby from the maid and kisses the top of his head and apparently she's awesome with kids and this baby is not screaming at all at being taken away from his mother by utter strangers.

They get him back to Pemberley and the nursery and Jane reaches for the baby lovingly but also with some pain and he reaches for her and Lizzy leaves them alone together.

The express sent by Darcy arrives for Lizzy to let her know of his departure for France.

Also then Bingley returns to tell everyone that Darcy's ship was one of those shot out of the water by French guns.

You KNOW there's a sequel and several more chapters. Don't worry.
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Old October 15th, 2012, 07:46 AM   #142
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Sixty-Six

The ship dodges some cannonballs like it's no big and docks north of Calais and everyone disembarks and it's on its way BACK that the ship gets blown the fuck apart and Darcy's all safe on land whatever.

In craptastical French, Darcy wakes up some rando guy and offers to buy his horse. (It's worth noting that what little French Berdoll actually uses is totally incorrect for the period. Colour me all astonishment.)

FROG: NON!

MONEYBAGS: *jingle*

FROG: OUI!

It's kind of a crap horse, but it's a horse.

DARCY: Whatever. Let's go.

Apparently because of the de Bourghs and the D'Arcys there's been a branch of the family that has prospered in Normandy since the Hundred Years' War.

Superstars on BOTH sides of the Channel, of course.

He and the Colonel had visted their French relations ten years prior on their Grand Tour because DAMN IT A YOUNG MAN OF QUALITY MUST VISIT THE CONTINENT NO MATTER WHAT TYPE OF WAR OR REVOLUTION IS RAVAGING THE PLACE.

His relative is Viscount Charles Roux. (Which Berdoll calls a misnomer because Charles doesn't have red hair. SURNAMES HOW DO THEY WORK? Also what's the Viscount's title? He had better not pop up as Viscount Roux or be called Roux by Darcy. GIVE ME A PROPER FUCKING TITLE AND PROPER FORM OF ADDRESS.)

Aaaand nope, he's being called Roux throughout.

Also within the space of one paragraph he goes from being a 'cousin' to being Darcy's uncle.

I don't even. I just...how. HOW does this shit get past editors?

"Chateaux de Roux..."

NO.

Roux comes out and gives him a bear hug ("ursine") and two wet cheek kisses.

Also, okay, this is Normandy, Darcy must've had to ride for frickin' AGES to get here from north of Calais. Also it's customary in Normandy to do four kisses, not two.

Also just screw this whole thing it's like Berdoll never even bothered to look at a map.

Or maybe it's also in Lille? Berdoll can't seem to decide. Maybe she thinks Lille is in Normandy.

Anyway Roux is shorter than Darcy and therefore laughable and dwarvish.

He pours them wine and they drink bilingual toasts because when trying to track down one's sister in a warzone, hospitality over drinks is important. VIVE LE FRANCE!

Darcy insists on practicing his craptacular French, though Roux speaks nearly perfect English, so this slows them down.

Dear God, please let Darcy die of a translation error.

Apparently "the battle" hasn't come, yet, so Darcy hopes he has time to search the hospitals and quiz commanders or something. Across all of France? What is this "battle" they keep mentioning? IT'S A WAR. MADE UP OF MANY BATTLES.

DARCY: So...revolution must've sucked.

ROUX: Eh. *shrug* We're close enough to the border to switch allegiance with Belgians as we see fit. Also it helps that we have some minor royal connections. Not enough to make us get hunted down, but enough to come in handy when the Bourbons are in power.

DARCY: I wasn't aware we were connected to the Bourbons.

PLEASE YOU ARE DARCY YOU ARE CONNECTED TO GOD.

ROUX: Oh my aunt had a baby by a Bourbon. But it was, um...

DARCY: ...a Bourbon raped her?

ROUX: She was kind of loose anyway. We'll say she was 'surprised.'

OH MY GOD YOU VICTIM BLAMING NO. NO NO NO. THAT IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.


---

The next day, with a better horse and an extra shirt wrapped around two miniatures (one of Lizzy and one of Georgiana,) because a satchel is apparently too cumbersome, wearing his sword (...the one hanging in the inn where he killed Reed?) and with his pistol tucked into his waistband (ow) (...the one he shot Frank and the other guy with?) off he goes.

By June, he finally hears that Georgiana is travelling under an assumed name and purportedly as the wife of an officer. Whether she actually is the wife of an officer, Darcy can't tell. At any rate, if he can't find her before war breaks out, he fears he won't find her at all. (WAR IS UNDERWAY YOU DUMMY. WAR IS WHAT IS HAPPENING.)
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Old October 15th, 2012, 08:32 AM   #143
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Chapter Sixty-Seven

Major Wickham has been re-assigned to a battlefield of danger because he cuckolded his commanding colonel.

Go you, dumbass.

He somehow winds up in the Grenadiers. (I SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.) Also their uniforms are ugly, in his opinion, making Wickham's distress complete.

WICKHAM: At least Lydia's on another landmass.

Promotion and prosperity elude him because he's WICKHAM, DUH, he can't HAVE nice things! He plans to eventually weasle his way out of the war but to remain in Europe, and away from England and his wife, for the foreseeable future.

"Thinking back upon that visit..." aaaand he's going to re-hash his last encounter with Elizabeth. Because WE HAVEN'T HAD ENOUGH ALTERNATE POV FLASHBACKS TO BORE US TO TEARS.

Wickham is hard up for cash to get himself out of his assignment to some battle or whatever when he gets Lizzy's letter about John and he can't remember the child in particular or the woman who bore it and doesn't remember her name at all, unlike Darcy who can immediately supply it because he is a man who gets to know the chambermaids he boinks.

He consoles himself that he would have been able to charm Lizzy had not Darcy actually been present, that day.

...really? Really, dude? That's just...willing blindness. You know she wasn't welcoming your rapetastic advances. We all know it.

WICKHAM'S THOUGHTS: No way is Darcy prettier than me, and he doesn't offer anything like the flattery and admiration I can lavish on ladies!

He determines that there must be Something More to Lizzy than simply being fair of face, to catch a man like Darcy. After all, it wasn't as if she'd been knocked up. And if she had, Darcy's got ten thousand a year, it's not like he'd've been forced to marry her. (Um...gentlemen's daughters, how do they work?)

Also it's apparently been six years since Darcy and Lizzy got hitched. Just for timekeeping. As if it were possible.

A look at Lizzy tells him all he needs to know--she is 'ripe.' She needs an heir, and Wickham will impregnate her with the son she wants, and he's tall and dark-haired like Darcy so no one will suspect a thing!

Then he can just kick back and live off the hush money. Either from Lizzy, to keep it from her husband, or from Darcy, to keep it from the world that he has been cuckolded by Wickham. Whatever.

BERDOLL: Too bad you suck, Wickham hahahaha.

...only because you WRITE him like that, Linderp.
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Old October 28th, 2012, 11:08 PM   #144
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Sixty-Eight

Bingley comes trotting into Pemberley, quite at ease. He's told his wife is upstairs with Lizzie, and heads up to find them, following voices and laughter to an open door and...

They're on the floor with a baby. The baby. His baby.

Jane is stricken with guilt for going behind her husband's back. (...what.)

Lizzie is stricken with guilt for not telling Jane she'd seen Bingley with the baby in his arms and there's a significant chance that the guy will recognize his own child at close range.

We're not immediately shown or told if Bingley feels any guilt, and if so, for what, because he's not Darcy so who gives a fuck about his motivations or experiences?

Not only does he apparently recognize the kid, but Jane and Lizzy's faces are open books, so, yeah.

"'Dash it all!' Elizabeth exclaimed to no one but herself, 'Jane and I are hopeless connivers.'"

...yeeeeeeeeeeah. So this game of Hide the Bastard at Pemberley lasted all of two weeks.

The baby's all like goo gaa dribble, and Lizzy silently scrambles out of the trench and leaves Jane to it.

She goes into the room next-door and leaves the door ajar and draws up a chair, the better to eavesdrop. Then Bingley shuts the nursery door and all is silent.

Lizzy flashes back to the moment when Darcy assured her no one in Pemberley could hear their crazy sexing (...except where banging her against the door and dogs howling every time she orgasms, so...yeah.)

Lizzy now would rather give up the notion of that privacy in exchange to hear WTF is going on in that room with Jane and Bingley.

Now, in prior chapters when the whole extramarital baby thing was on the back burner, there was even explicit reference to Lizzy's near-complete forgiveness of Bingley because other shit happened and Lizzy can only spend a negligible amount of her energies on feeling anything on behalf of another human being before she reverts to her own self-centred navel-gazing.

Not the fuck anymore.

Lizzy's quietly gets her Shehulk on as she revisits the day she saw Bingley holding that baby in his arms. Lizzy's sole regret since that time is that Bingley hasn't been held to account before Jane.

Y'know...Jane has had every opportunity before now to bring this before her husband, and she consciously decided she didn't want to. She took control of the situation as she wanted, not as Lizzy wanted.

Silly readers, this book isn't about smiling on whatever Jane wants. Whatever Jane wants is wrong.

"...she knew her vengeance would be better appeased if she could hear what was being said."

LIZZY. THIS IS NOT YOUR LIFE. SIT THE FUCK DOWN. YOUR FEELINGS ARE IRRELEVANT. I COULDN'T GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT YOUR VENGANCE AND NEEDS.

So she creeps out into the hall and casually leans against the door and can finally better hear the muffled voices.

Then she hears crying.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: WTF BINGLEY HOW VERY DARE YOU MAKE JANE CRY.

She actually scans the corridor for some piece of weaponry with which to maim her brother-in-law. As nothing is immediately to hand, she makes up her mind to go mano-a-mano and rip him a new one with her bare hands.

Right.

She busts open the door and Jane looks up and Lizzy's like oops and it's actually Bingley who is sobbing.

...okay, back the fuck up.

Muffled or not, there is general difference between most men and women's voices. Jane being a soft-spoken lady of her times would be unlikely to have her tone confused with that of the effusive and manly Mr. Bingley.

I've been inside the girls' toilet in high school. I have seen women crying.

I have made men cry. I have seen men crying.

In my experience, there is a difference in tone.

Except obviously Bingley cries like a woman and apparently that's a bad thing because what a dick and yeah there is nothing worse than girliness fuck everything.

"Pity was an emotion Elizabeth seldom found reason to summon..."

lol you privileged cow don't ever try and make me believe you're some kind of beautiful magnanimous angel to the poor and dispossessed in this book you just admitted you're a horrible person

NARRATELLER: So eventually they all got over the hella awkwardness and got back to the right and proper business of wringing their hands over Darcy and Elizabeth's problems. Also the baby went to live at Kirkland with Jane and Bingley.

Yeah. Jane and Bingley got their estate at Costco.
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Old October 29th, 2012, 04:05 AM   #145
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Chapter Sixty-nine

Let's all get our twelve-year-old snerking out of the way.

*sneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerk*

Okay, moving on.

Hannah draws Lizzy's bath every morning.

"Nevertheless, she ignored it."

Wait, who? Hannah? Grammar fuckery, I have not missed you.

"At first, it was not a conscious decision, Elizabeth merely stepped around the tub and donned fresh clothes."


Oh great we're doing this again.

A ) It is a conscious decision. She sees the tub and ignores it. She's not carried through the room in an unseeing trance of sleepwalkery compulsion to be disgusting.
B ) Pretty sure that line needs to be in two seperate sentences and I hate that I need to be telling you this. Did you not read anything back to yourself to hear how it sounded?
C ) TIME FOR A FLASHFUCKINGBACK TO BEING SO DEEP IN LOVE YOU ABANDON HYGIENE IN THE NAME OF SEX STANK. Because we've gone long enough without loving descriptions of various bodily fluids and their smells.

"Gradually, it dawned upon her why she was neglecting so fundamental a part of her toilette. It was for the very same reason that she sat looking at, rather than sitting in, her steaming tub after their wedding night."

I bet Hannah is so pleased she goes to all the fucking trouble of filling a gigantor copper tub with hot water every day and it's not like there's other things the servants have to do with their time.

It takes a week before Lizzy starts to realize she might be a bit on the whiffy side. By HER motivations, she is being loyal and amazing and everyone should just step off and shut up about the lovemusk. But of course she can't explain her love-logic to anyone else because people just don't understand who aren't her and Darcy.

She also insists that Baby Bingley likes the smell of her best because HIS mother wasn't all perfumed and bathed daily so yeah.

Not that the kid is fractious, anyway. He's...Baby Bingley. Friend to all.

"...she sat in the tub and sobbed inconsolably when she finally did."

Like a toddler streaked in mud who screamed and fought you all the way in from the back yard until you threatened to pin their eyelids open, sit them on an anthill, and make them watch Tinky Winky get beheaded with a flaming chainsaw.

Anyway, life goes on and Lizzy only recieves the Bingleys and Lady Millhouse and isn't 'at home' for anyone else and I'm struggling to recall if Lizzy's made any actual friends in Derbyshire who might give enough of a shit to pay visits, but it's mostly been a parade of her and Darcy being so wrapped up in each other they can hardly wait to tell the various Bennets and Bingleys to fuck right off.

Lady Millhouse basically tries to verbally kick Lizzy out of her mopey habits, and Lizzy inwardly disdains her but plays along, because of course if Lizzy is in a funk, that is right and proper and perfect and how dare anyone tell her to buck the fuck up.

And all Lizzy can think about while they walk the portrait gallery is that she hopes her kid inherits the perfect teeth of her and Darcy because all the ridiculous old fogey ancestors are sour-faced muppets.

For all the vaunted respect of the ~Darcy Ancestry~ that's spread about this book like so much manure, all it seems to serve is the importance of the Mr. Darcy in the here and now. Never mind his extended family, or the prior generations who have built the foundation for his exalted position. Fuck 'em, they have bad teeth.

Then they get to a portrait of Darcy's mother. She is unsmiling, and sad-looking.

I get the feeling Berdoll is about to tell us why. Because true tragedy is for other people, but damned if Lizzy Bennet won't find a way to appropriate the sob-story of a dead woman in order to revel in borrowed misery and try and make us feel bad for her sufferings.

Help me, Jesus.

So the portrait was done after Darcy's birth, and ten years later she'd die giving birth to Georgiana. Apparently.

Georgiana looks a lot like her mother.

Whose name is Mrs. Elinor Darcy.

It's like, officially an alternate universe where Lady Anne never fucking existed. There's really only one way to cope with this book. Letting it go.



Shine on, you gelatinous jobbie.

Lizzy wonders aloud if her mother-in-law was unwell when the painting was done. Lady Millhouse portentiously drones that it was not her health that troubled her.

HEY PRESTO THIS BOOK IS NOW NORTHANGER ABBEY AND OLD DARCY WAS A FUCKING EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE MURDERER (NOT!) GO IMAGINATION GO.

Darcy's father's portrait shows a smiling, handsome man.

LIZZY: HE SEEMS VERY...ROBUST.

LADY MILLHOUSE: "Elinor was five years his senior, yet he outlived her by ten."

For Elinor's heart had "borne a disappointment."

EDWARD WAS SECRETLY ENGAGED ALL THIS TIME TO LUCY STEELE, WE KNOW.

LIZZY: I thought she died giving birth to Georgiana?

LM: That was WHEN she died, not WHY.

VAMPIRE THEORIES: *THRIVING*

Also, not one page back, THE TEXT ACTUALLY GOES AS FOLLOWS: "...she [died] bearing Georgiana."

SORRY, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. DID SHE DIE OF A BROKEN HEART/VAMPIRE HUSBAND, OR SPROG?

LIZZY: TELL ME MORE.

LM: Oh just you try and shut me up.

Lady Millhouse explains at boring-ass length how awesome Gerard Darcy was and how much Fitzwilliam Darcy looks like him but our Darcy's temper and principles are his mother's, even if his face is his father's.

Not even trying to care, anymore.

At certain levels, marriages are made of mutual arrangement and for reasons of rank and finance, not love. Such was the case of uniting Elinor and Gerard's fortunes. Over time, some measure of mutual regard grew, but it was more on Elinor's side than her husband's.

Enter the Duchess of Devonshire.

Yeah.

That's where this is going.

OKAY I LIED I DO GIVE A SHIT AND I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE IT ALL OVER THIS BOOK.

Having gambled and lost heavily, and fearing the Duke would not pay her debts, her Grace turns to the handsome, sexy, generous, wealthy, robust Gerard Darcy.

lol yeah like even a Darcy has enough money to bail out the DUCHESS OF FUCKING DEVONSHIRE.

NO.

Anyway apparently he comforts and counsels her.

All night long to the break of dawn.

LIZZY: *GASP* AND MRS. DARCY FOUND OUT?

LM: Natch. Because her sister, Lady Catherine, told her. MAN LADY CATHERINE IS SUCH A TITWAFFLING SHITMIMSY DON'T WE ALL JUST HATE HER.

Look I'm just gonna blockquote this for your enjoyment.

"I always believed the sour look upon her puss was from her marriage to old Lord Lewis. They say that milksop could not get his cock into a gallop if he whipped the beast with both hands. There was always a question of just who sired Lady Anne. It is said Catherine always favoured one buck-toothed footman and Lady Anne's teeth are a disgrace, if that lends the story any credibility. I dare say if you saw a man clinging to a Rosing's [sic] coach looking particularly abused, he would be the one who got the odious duty of lathering that woman's saddle..."

There may need to be a ceremonial burning of this book. Possibly with sage smudges, because how could evil spirits not glom on to this?

LIZZY: And what did Mrs. Darcy do?

LM: She was near term when she found out, and died days after the birth, and with her dying breath told told the vicar what she wanted to name her daughter.

...so she only found out days before giving birth to Georgiana, yet she manages to LOOK SAD ABOUT IT IN A PORTRAIT PAINTED A DECADE EARLIER.

So Gerard learned his chastened lesson or whatever and it gave him pain to speak his own daughter's name etc. This family is fucked up and not in any of the normal ways.

Also Darcy doesn't know ANYTHING about this but somehow Lady Millhouse knows all the details.

LIZZY: ...Gerard is very tall.

(Also how does everyone in this book go by their Christian names EXCEPT Mr. Darcy? Fitzwilliam is unweildy as fuck, but EVERY man ought to be referred to by his surname or title, no matter the circumstances. Piss off with all this Charles/Gerard/Geoffrey business. BINGLEY, DARCY (OLD DARCY/DARCY SENIOR, IF YOU PREFER,) AND FITZWILLIAM.

LM: TALL! WITH DARK HAIR! LIKE DARCY! FAMILY TRAITS! IT WOULD BE BEST IF WE BRED PEOPLE LIKE HORSES SO WE GOT RID OF THE BITTER UGLIES.

...Lady Millhouse, the line between admiring the Darcy men as specimens/despising Lady Catherine's stock and starting to sound like a fucking Nazi is a fine one.

I WANT YOU TO TREAD SO CAREFULLY HERE YOU ARE ACTUALLY MOVING BACKWARDS YOU INFLATABLE SHIT.

LIZZY: BUT WE LIVE LIKE THAT ALREADY WITH LAND/TITLE/POSITION MARRYING LAND/TITLE/POSITION, AND BEARING SONS FOREVER AND EVER.

...yeah because that is totally your situation, Lizzy. NOT.

Lizzy stares at Gerard's portrait, feeling she recognizes something in it. Only it's not that he's her husband's doppledaddy or that she's passed this portrait a gajillion times. IDK.

LM: BTW does Darcy know you're knocked up?

LIZZY: WTF THAT IS A SECRET.

LM: Gurl, please, you haven't been on your horse in ages. "...as often as he butters your bun you were bound to have one in the oven again sooner or later."

Ew. Ew. And can we stop talking about this?

Quote:
The phrase is 20th century. The first citation I can find is in Nicholas Monsarrat's Cruel Sea, 1951:

"'I bet you left a bun in the oven, both of you,' said Bennett thickly... Lockhart explained ... the reference to pregnancy."
Yeah, thank you Lady Millhouse for ruining every dinner roll, ever.

A thousand points to Fuckoffdor.
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Old November 2nd, 2012, 08:08 AM   #146
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy

Wickham sucks, he sucks so bad.

So after the battle Wickham is happy to be alive and pleased he did not shit himself because he is a pants-shitting little cuss. Duh.

Reinforcements arrive and he can only bitch inwardly because it means more work for him and having to hold the goddamn line instead of retreating because he is a cowardly pants-shitting little cuss. Duh.

Nonetheless he at once delegates some minion to do all training of new recruits because he doesn't dirty his hands with lower ranks etc. then he goes off to sulk in his tent.

Finally he exits his tent and goes to where some soldiers are huddled around the fire with their 'saltless biscuits and dried pork.'

In a flash this somehow means 'crispy Texas style streaky bacon' because Wickham grabs the slice off a man's plate, breaks it crisply in half, munches one, and throws the other back, where it bounces and slides greasily onto the ground.

WICKHAM IS A DICK WE GET IT. ALSO MAYBE DO SOME RESEARCH INTO WHAT THE BRITISH REFER TO AS BACON IT IS KIND OF NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS BERDOLL.

Wickham sits himself next to none other than his son Johnny Boy and grills him when he hears he's from Derbyshire, and asks where.

"Kympton."

BERDOLL STOP TRYING TO MAKE KYMPTON HAPPEN IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

Right away Wickham launches into THAT IS THE LIVING I SHOULD HAVE HAD and so on and so forth.

...okay, canon-Wickham WAITED to ascertain whether Lizzy knew Mr. Darcy well enough to call his bullshit or not, and only THEN safely proceeded to spin his tale. What the fuck could Wickham possibly have to gain by throwing it in the face of this kid, rehashed, for no purpose?

Oh right, serving the hamfisted plot.

Whatever. John's like 'whatever.'

---

So the next day they're eating or whatever and then they hear gunfire and everyone scrambles for their weapons except the guy in the shitter who scrambles with his 'smallclothes' around his ankles.

GURL FOR THE LAST TIME NO ONE HAS ANY SMALLCLOTHES FOR REAL ALSO SOLDIERS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT OR WITH DIGNITY BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT THE DARCYS. WOULD YOU EVER MANUFACTURE A SCENARIO WHERE DARCY HAD TO SCRAMBLE WITH HIS ASS IN THE AIR TO SAVE HIS LIFE? WOULD YOU? I DARE YOU.

Everyone to their positions, and soldiers are LITERALLY SHITTING THEMSELVES only of course it much more high-falutin pseudo-historical description on Berdoll's part. Some people start writing their wills on spare paper.

WHAT SPARE PAPER? ALSO YOU HAVE A BATTLE TO FIGHT YOU OUGHT TO HAVE TAKEN CARE OF THAT EARLIER WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ARMY.

By now Wickham is determined to desert, but he has to find the right moment to do so, when he won't be caught.

Meanwhile John is hefting grenades with all his might and being courageous and shit.

Anyway boom boom smoke, the battle's over and the French army is moving on to their next point. (...not stopping to take prisoners of war? Or kill commanding officers? Or...no? ...alright then, this is your battle scene to run Berdoll, I get it. A few minutes of boom-itty-boom and then we get some time for John to reflect on what's happened, seeing as he's still alive.

He finds Wickham's horse and goes looking for the Major, and finds him...switching jackets with a corporal whose head has been blown off.

John immediately knows what's happening, and Wickham knows he knows, so he pulls out his pistol and fires a shot at point-blank range into his bastard son's stomach and takes off on the horse.

WICKHAM: LOL BYE

It's like a fucking soap opera, now. What are the hell-ass CHANCES? Really? REALLY.

Little Orphan Johnny, I...will not miss you. Sorry bro, you're irritating as hell. I would not miss a single person in this book. Only Lady the horse.

I am kinda broken hearted that you and the Colonel never got together. Maybe he'll find you and you can go all Little Fall of Rain and shit.

I'm not overwhelmed, and I'm not underwhelmed (when I saw it was a Wickham chapter I expected a narrative tirade of how awful and useless he is, and anyone that isn't Darcy or Lizzy is silly and can't have nice things.)

I'm in Europe, so I can be whelmed. Consider me so.
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Old December 15th, 2012, 07:37 AM   #147
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-One

So the only good thing about Darcy being away is that Jane has no fear that Lizzy will risk another pregnancy with the foetus being terrified by a glimpse of Mr. Dong.

~TIME PASSING, PREGGO LIZZY GETTING PREGGER AND PREGGER BUT STILL MISSING DARCY SO MUCH SO THAT THEIR BIG OL' BED SEEMS NO LESS VASTLY SPACIOUS FOR ALL HER GLOWING GIRTH~

"As time wore on, Elizabeth's funk deepened."

WE'RE GONNA TEAR THE ROOF OFF THE MOTHER SUCKER

"Truly, she knew Georgiana was in the greatest danger, but she could not will herself to fear for her husband less than anyone else."

So she's aware of wealthy experienced male privilege but fuck that he is her shiny Darcy lol sorry sis-in-law yeah things are actually way harder and worse for you as a naive young woman with few resources but you are not the bearer of my beloved dong so fuck off.

Lizzy manages to spare a thought for John Christie on the basis that it's awful enough that Wickham is his dad, and now he's gone to war so that's like the one-two of being the awfullest ever.

Thanks Lizzy but he's already dead and the fact that Wickham is his dad is not as big a deal as you seem to think it is. Wickham is a black-hearted dinkus and John Christie was adorable and wide-eyed and rough-tongued until the end. Fact is, they're both poorly written characters functioning at laughable extremes, sanguinity is not the only indicator of quality of life or character AS THESE POLAR OPPOSITES WITHIN YOUR OWN TEXT PROVE, and my new mantra is fast becoming "don't give a shit, don't give a shit, don't give a shit."

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: ...this is all my fault. I didn't handle the Colonel's declaration of love very well, at all. So this whole clusterfuck is most definitely my fault.



And she has no idea at all why Georgiana decided to take off, so if only she had been a better sister, she might've known something was up, and prevented everything.

"A full circle of self-recrimination."

Elizabeth, just...fine. Wallow. You are an awful person and you should feel awful. Not always quite for the reasons you've invented for yourself, but, y'know, results are results.

---

Lizzy is packing up baby things (rando baby things IDK genteel occupations for ladies of idle wealth what?) for Alexander, Bingley's by-blow, and finds the quilt that Peasant Mommy made for him, and ties it with a ribbon to send to the boy some day so he will know his Peasant Mommy loved him.

"It had only been the day before that they had received word of Mary's quietus."

Guys, I'll be honest with you. I thought she meant Mary Bennet, and I flipped the fuck out. Because I wouldn't put it past Berdoll. I wouldn't put anything past her fuckery at this point. If Jane, the beautiful, kind, angelic sister gets as much shit slung at her as she has, and Kitty has been made ridiculous for no reason other than to give Lizzy something to roll her eyes at, and Lydia is a holy terror of sex talk and smelly brats, what chance does the plain, nerdy keener try-hard of the Bennets have?

Then, oh, right, we bothered to name Bingley's TB-stricken shabby cottage lay.

SUDDENLY, LADY CATHERINE.

Because REASONS.

There's some alliteration for no reason and whatever, time for Lizzy to get uppity and hopping mad and do something to humiliate Dumbass de Bourgh who just keeps coming back for more.

LADY CATHERINE: DARCY IS DEAD. GTFO OF THIS HOUSE.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: omg what

It'd be a lot more effective if I thought Berdoll had the balls to kill off Darcy.

LIZZY: You've been misinformed. Everything is fine. Tra la la la la.

CATHERINE: NUH UH HE IS DEAD AND GEORGIANA IS DEAD AND THIS HOUSE IS ENTAILED TO ME. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? WHAT HAVE YOU DOOOOOONE? IF ONLY HE HAD MARRIED ANNE.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: HE WOULD HAVE A PACK OF SICK KIDS WITH SHITTY TEETH. NATURALLY OUR BABIES WILL BE HEALTHY AND BEAUTIFUL AND ORTHODONTICALLY SOUND.

CATHERINE: DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!

So Lizzy loses her shit and hauls the pistol out of Darcy's desk drawer and aims it between Lady Catherine's eyes.

No, really.

At the last second she adjusts her aim a little higher and shoots the feather neatly off of Lady Catherine's bonnet.

PISTOL: KA-BOOOOOOM, LADIES!

"...[Lady Catherine's] face betrayed more mortified terror than Elizabeth might have ever found for her in her sweetest of daydreams."

Lizzy, you are one sick fuck that you enjoy toying with attempted murder and the mortal horror you can strike into the hearts of your victims.

But, y'know, Lady Catherine. She just wouldn't shut up. What is one to do?

In the process of firing a gun at her aunt's head, Lizzy dropped her shawl and apparently this is all that's needed to reveal her hugely pregnant tum.

Lady Catherine skedaddles, and the servants run to enquire of their mistress if all is well. Lizzy ditches the gun and sweetly informs them that there was a slight accident but everything is fine.

Except that our heroine has just dipped a toe--nay, plunged head first--into the waters of psychopathy.

Lizzy is almost tempted to run to the window to try and spot the ill-favoured coachmen who are apparently Anne de Bourgh's real father(s) because TEETH.

But she meets the housekeeper in the middle of the room and they both spot the broken feather and the puddle of urine soaking the carpet.

The chapter ends on Lizzy debating whether to blame the dogs, or explain how Lady Catherine just pissed herself. WHAT AN INTREPID HEROINE. LADY CATHERINE YOU ARE SO STUPID AND YOU WET YOUR NON-EXISTENT KNICKERS WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE ABOUT TO BE MURDERED BY A GUN-TOTING PSYCHO.

LOL

I almost forget how much I hate this book, but it's like I pick up right where I left off hating, and my hate only increases from there. It doesn't come in waves. It only burgeons outward, inevitable and limitless.
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Old December 15th, 2012, 08:05 AM   #148
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Two

Battle, Belgium, blood, blah, blah, blah.

COLONEL FITZWILLIAM: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

*swordy pointy gallop ahoy*

SCIMITAR: LET'S GET THIS SHIT DONE, A'IGHT? COMIN' FOR YA, FROGEATERS.
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Old December 24th, 2012, 08:19 AM   #149
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Three

Battle's over, everyone's heading home.

Berdoll doesn't trifle with things like the overall ramifications of the outcome of Quatre-Bras, or the war in general, or even note that the Battle of Waterloo takes place TWO DAYS LATER.

Who cares? It's not as if it's any concern to the people involved.

And by people, I mean Darcy.

He's on his way to an abandoned villa somewhere in France, his network of information having led him to believe Georgie is there.

Woo.

Darcy just HAPPENED to come across this guy who works for Wellington, and the guy's wife happened to have seen a demure, lady-like young woman nursing soldiers, and just happens to tell Darcy this, unprompted.

GUY'S WIFE: 'Cause most nurses are trollops. Y'know.

"There could not be two such gentlewomen toiling in such an execrable place."

Of course not, snowflake.

Darcy's got a substandard horse that he paid an unconscionable amount of money for.

I'm amazed that he's travelling so light and yet so flush with coin that his way has been paved with gold for weeks, if not months, now.

In war-torn France.

I mean, the horse he had from Roux was taken away from him at gunpoint. How in the hell has he managed to keep hold on the sovereigns that he must have to fling at the peasantry? Because paper (especially ENGLISH paper) won't cut it. Cash is king.

The Seventh Coalition has taken a drubbing (though Berdoll merely speaks of Wellington's forces and the English as if no one else were there.)

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Man, good thing their coats are red. 'Cause otherwise the endless sea of blood and gore would REALLY show.



"He was within earshot of Wellington when the duke spoke the soon-to-be-famous words, "Nothing except a battle lost is half so melancholy as a battle won.""

"Believe me, nothing except a battle lost can be half so melancholy as a battle won." - Letter from the field of Waterloo (June 1815)

NOT SPOKEN AFTER QUATRE-BRAS AND DARCY IS NOT JUST HANGING OUT WITH WELLINGTON SOAKING UP HIS BON MOTS WHAT THE FUCK.

Also, he's all overhearing these 'soon-to-be-famous' quotes like he's some kind of intellectual HIPSTER. He was admiring Wellington's turn of phrase BEFORE IT WAS COOL.

And Quatre-Bras was largely considered a DRAW. And if anyone won, it was the French. Berdoll refers to it as a Pyrrhic victory, but IT'S NO VICTORY AT ALL.

Darcy's plan to break into the hospital is to claim to be a physician, as surgeons are ratty tatty quacks and if he's going to lie, at least he'll lie with DIGNITY.

I tell you, I have had it up to HERE with Darcy's pride in this book. It's beyond cute, it's beyond commendable, it's beyond what would be held in regulation by true superiority of mind.

It's just fucking irritating.

Anyway, for all his subterfuge someone just hands him an apron and a dull knife and is like GET TO WORK and Darcy is like ew.

He finally sees Georgiana. (That was easy.)

He very nearly clutches a column for support, BUT HIS PRIDE HIS STERN BROW HIS SELF-COMMAND BLAH BLAH ROBOT.

Of course she's not doing anything like actual nursing. She's sitting beside some bandage-mummy, holding his hand and looking so beatific that Darcy briefly fears she's taken vows and become a nun.

Except she's not wearing a wimple so phew she's no kind of good English nun that Darcy's ever heard of.

She stands, circulates a bit, patting some blankets now and again, then says something to a doctor, then goes back to the bandaged wonder and starts groping his hand, again.

Georgiana finally looks up and spots Darcy due to his tallness and immaculate presentation.

There's some kind of telepathic stand-off and when she doesn't obediently scurry to his side, he goes over to her. She acknowledges that this is some kind of major yield on his part and she should be slobberingly grateful? IDK.

He hugs her harder than he's ever hugged her, and her face is all frowny confrontational because war is hell and Georgiana has evolved into a stone-cold badass or something?

I could support this outside of this heinous mockery of a shitheap. I would LOVE Georgiana to find her inner savvy woman. I just hate that this hamfisted arc is how we've magically gotten there. Also nice that we've seen none of her experiences between disappearing and now.

"Words of love and reassurance poured from him with such ease, one would have never guessed it was the first time he had said them to her."

Darcy, you are a dick. You're a tool, and an awful brother, and a fucking asshole. You've NEVER said anything loving or tender or re-assuring to your sister? Not even after Wickham broke her? Not once when you were RAISING HER?

No. For there to be anything LIKE the loving bond Austen shows and you CLAIM, with Georgiana's fervent and tender devotion, Darcy's got to EARN that shit. What you have here is a paternalistic automaton shitheel who demands respect and endless loyalty and obedience and somehow gets it by virtue of...what, exactly?

GEORGIANA: Did you come for me or the Colonel? (She calls him Geoffrey in the text, but what. Ever.)

DARCY: WTF HE'S HERE?

GEORGIANA: Yeah. RIGHT here.

HEAP O' BLOODY LINEN: 'sup?

DARCY: OMG WTF BBQ *gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasp*

Fitzwilliam's eyes are burnt, or something? And his leg is FUBAR.

Darcy immediately goes all Florence Nightengale on everyone's ass and insists that Fitzwilliam be moved because of the filth.

Germs. Darcy knows all about these things.

Georgiana asks if they have the means to move the Colonel.

"In any other circumstances that would have been an absurd query, the Darcys had the means for anything they so chose."

...

Awful sentence structure aside, the host of amazing mental images this summons is nothing short of beauteous.

Darcys have the means to create ridiculous jobs to employ everyone in the world.

Darcys have the means to become Prime Minister.

Darcys have the means to charter a rocket to the moon.

Darcys have the means to commission a biographical trilogy saga of operas composed by Wagner.

Darcys have the means to bathe in Beluga caviar and the blood of virgins.

Darcys have the means to eat those capsules filled with gold-leaf that make your poop PRECIOUS.

Darcys have the means to murder three men in front of several witnesses and not have more than a token question-mark breathed in their direction before the subject is dropped entirely and never seriously referenced, again.

Oh, wait.

DARCY: ...I got a horsie? I COULD BUILD A SLED.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: lol I haven't built anything since twig-boats when I was, like, five. Whatever I'm sure it's easy and I'll totally rock at it.

SURGEON: Uh, if you try to move him like that, he'll DIE.

DARCY: YOU KNOW NOTHING, I KNOW BEST, SHUT UP OR SUGGEST SOMETHING USEFUL OH WAIT YOU CAN'T BECAUSE YOU SUCK.

SURGEON: You know what? Do whatever you fucking want with this dude. I don't care.



GEORGIANA: Dude WTF.

"[Darcy] cared little for a lowly surgeon's good opinion."

OH MY GOSH THE PRIDE ON THIS MAN I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING THIS SIZE SINCE I WATCHED THE LION KING.

DARCY: Come on, let's get you home.

GEORGIANA: I'm staying with Geoffrey Fitzwilliam.

DARCY: Ugh, okay, fine, we'll all go together.

Somehow Darcy learns that they're only a few miles away from Cousin Roux's house. Amazing that he didn't recognize anything in the landscape. Handy, though!

DARCY: Great! I'll go get a wagon.

As he rides, he makes his plans. They'll get a wagon, and all go to Calais, and he'll purchase a schooner (cash up front, presumably. HOW IS THIS MAN NOT JINGLING AS HE WALKS?)

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Ooooh a boat! I'll name it The Elizabeth.

Original.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: And all will be well, and we'll get home and--WHOA WAIT UP WTF GEORGIANA IS IN LOVE WITH THE COLONEL? TOO BAD THE COLONEL DOESN'T RETURN HER FEELINGS. HUH.

His self-reassurance is short-lived, however.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Wait a minute...if I couldn't see that my sister was in love with my cousin...how can I trust that I think the colonel doesn't love her back? Aw, shit. I can't think about it now. If I think about it now, I'll go crazy. I'll think about it tomorrow. MUST GET WAGON.
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Old December 24th, 2012, 11:39 PM   #150
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Four

When I complained there was no evidence of Georgiana's own story-arc in her transformation from runaway Nice Girl into battle-ready "Nurse Darcy" (wtf kind of title is that, anyway?) I DIDN'T MEAN LET'S HAVE ONE OF THOSE FLASHBACKS AFTER THE DRAMA HAS ALREADY BEEN RESOLVED WHICH NULLIFIES ANY EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF REVISITING THE REST OF THE PLOT.

Sigh.

War erupts.

Pack of nurses are dumped into the half-ruined house.

Georgiana tears bandages and works herself into a state of dizzying dread and begins to realize just how far she's gone from everything she knew. Not presenting herself as the sharpest crayon in the box, here.

Their first patient is some dumbass soldier who ate a bunch of underripe crab apples.

GEORGIANA: Whew!

Some yammering about her snap decision to run away after overhearing her brother's verbal tussle with the Colonel, and seeing John Christie preparing to flee.

The sleeping quarters are noisy and her bed is lumpy and she tries not to think about lice or the fact that she left behind silk sheets (LUDICROUS BEDDING HOW I MISSED YOU--NOT!) and the tinkling lullabies of a music box. (Creepily childish, that. GURL YOU ARE IN YOUR TWENTIES, NOW.)

The journey had been no big thang. Portsmouth was easy. Getting to France was easy. Whatever.

BAM. WOUNDED DUDES.

She makes John help her (ignoring the fact that he joined up in England and would be kept with his regiment--and incidentally, Wickham--but no, apparently he was hanging out with Georgiana the whole time and playing orderly in her dinky little hospital?)

Apparently having had Darcy snapping orders left, right and centre for her whole life has given Nurse Georgiana all the tools and skills she needs to become a total martinet at the drop of a hat.

All Georgiana's good for, in the beginning, apparently, is tearing up linen for bandages and being able to diagnose croup. GSWs are somewhat more tricky.

"She had always [made] delicate, lovely screens..."

Need your flesh sewn back together in a fetching floral pattern? GEORGIANA'S YOUR CREEPY, CREEPY GIRL.

Then she gets used to the blood and gore pretty quickly and one time she had to sew an oozing wound up in a guy's butt ("gluteus maximus cheek") and he's all giving her hassle so she puts her knee into his spine like PIPE DOWN JACKIE-BOY and it's kind of badass but also completely surreal.

This is the point where she realizes why she had to pretend to be a married lady. (And yet Nurse Darcy didn't take a false name?) Because BUTTS. She's also past caring about male anatomy.

"What silliness, she had thought, society thinking that it must protect women from this intelligence."

Way to distill a complex dynamic of patriarchy, science and social and religious mores into a single pinpoint of 'silliness' that the intrepid Miss Darcy can dismiss and pat herself on the shoulder for, because my, how modern!

Also please stop confusing Victorian levels of overwrought restriction with the Georgian and Regency periods. Georgians were only slightly less filthy than the Restoration and Elizabethan folks. And they were ALL pretty damn bawdy. I doubt there was sweeping anatomical censorship devoted only to a single gender regardless of social position.

The only thing Georgiana hesitates to help with are the amputations because EW.

But she goes in. And recognizes Colonel Fitzwilliam's voice.

COLONEL: NOT MY LEG. YOU CAN'T HAVE IT. I WON'T LET YOU. NOT MY F&#*ING LEG.

GEORGIANA: OMG

COLONEL: ...I say, is it Georgiana, indeed? Pray forgive me, I thought I was in France.

GEORGIANA: I AM HERE. WE ARE IN FRANCE. *handhold*

SURGEON: Tell him his leg has to come off.

GEORGIANA: Go hack at somebody else! Just give me five minutes.

Man, if this is the same surgeon her brother eventually tells off, he must think all the Darcys are just a pack of completely entitled dicks. Which they are.

COLONEL: Light hurts my eyes, I may or may not be completely blind, I don't know. LEAVE MY LEG ALONE, THOUGH. I CANNOT LOSE THIS LEG.

Georgiana takes a peek and the leg looks reeeeally bad.

GEORGIANA: If they don't take off your leg, you'll die, dude. And they don't need your permission to do it because everything out of your mouth sounds like something a crazy person would say.

COLONEL: IS IT CRAZY TO INSIST I DON'T WANT MY LEG CUT OFF? WHAT SANE PERSON WANTS THEIR LIMBS REMOVED?

GEORGIANA: ...you did hear everyone telling you the alternative is agonizing death, right?

She cuddles her head against his shoulder and breathes on his face and it's kind of weird but if he was a tree-person and she were the Doctor it'd be alright.

COLONEL: I ride with the calvary. If I lose my leg I lose my ability to do what I do and be who I am. MY LEG IS MY IDENTITY. I CANNOT LOSE THA--*passes out*

GEORGIANA'S THOUGHTS: ...if they're gonna take his leg, maybe they ought to do it while he's unconscious. I mean, I can't let him DIE. But...his last request...it's like his soul is in his leg!

GEORGIANA: MOVE HIM OVER THERE.

SURGEON: Seriously? Okay, you said you know him, right? "[H]e is not just any colonel. I shall not be held responsible for his death when he could be saved."

GEORGIANA: WE ARE FAMILY AND I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY AND I WILL SIGN WHATEVER MEDICAL FORMS YOU NEED ME TO.

...lol okay. Right. I'm sure his insurance provider will want some records kept. And I'm sure you don't need to present any kind of papers or ID to prove that you're this guy's family because you don't HAVE said papers given that you're working under an assumed persona of some rando soldier's wife.

SURGEON: ...so who are you, exactly?

GEORGIANA: "MY NAME IS GEORGIANA DARCY."



SURGEON: "OF THE PEMBERLEY DARCYS?"

GEORGIANA: Yuh-huh.

SURGEON: Right.

So they do whatever she wants.

They shuffle Fitzwilliam off to one side and she thought he was still unconscious but he finds her hand and brings it to his liiiiips.

This would be almost a squee moment if it weren't kind of gross in that hello he's her guardian alongside Darcy so there's paternal power dynamics at play and also he's got that torch he carries for Lizzy so maybe he's just relieved that he won't lose his leg and ability to be a calvary-man and therefore he can look forward to a life of riding horses, being in no way crippled by awkward healing, dubious battlefield healthcare options, or flirting with infectious and deadly diseases.

Oh wait I mean he's likely to die in a matter of days, if not hours, because that leg is already infected and oozing and hot to the touch so it was nice knowing you, Colonel--may you and John Christie have slashy swordfights in heaven.
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Old December 25th, 2012, 01:38 AM   #151
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Chapter Seventy-Five

Darcy approaches Roux's house and happily notes that it seems to have been spared any gutting, and there are horses grazing peacefully.

He feels momentary mortification when he hands over his reins to a groom because his horse is such a tatty beast, but, um, I'm sure the groom knows a war is going on. Or was. IDK apparently the whole thing is over, now.

Darcy also feels he is all stanky because his face and hands have been the only things washed in a fortnight. Even in a place such as old-timey FRANCE, he notes, he must be ripe.

*facepalm*

Oh, and as for laundry?

"Whilst in Brussels, he simply bought new shirts as they were needed (for not only did he refuse to wash his own laundry, it was an affront to have to locate a laundress)."

I hate that you can't put your punctuation inside your parenthesis, Berdoll. But also the fact that Darcy is such a pompous fool that it's beyond ridiculous and apparently I'm supposed to excuse him because of his wealth? It better not be because he has some mysterious virtues because of Authorial Say-So. Being a beast in the sack doesn't count. He's a shitty person, and he'd rather blow money on buying fresh clothes--when, every day? We know what a fastidious bastard Darcy is--than SULLY himself by rinsing his OWN DAMN SWEAT out of his linens. Even trying to find a woman to do it FOR him is just SO HORRIBLE because he has SERVANTS to hire servants for him and has more important things to do in a country at war.

Roux, upon seeing Darcy, claps his hands and shouts for servants to attend his guest. Because this is suddenly the Middle Ages.

Darcy nearly grabs Roux by the lapel, "...keeping from it only by reason of an inborn, and thus unshakeable, sense of propriety."

That's right. Fitzwilliam Darcy came out of the womb with total knowledge of social convention and what is and isn't acceptable in polite society.



DARCY: Please, may I beg the favour of borrowing a wagon from you, my good cousin?

ROUX: Uh, okay, sure.

DARCY: SHOW IT TO ME IMMEDIATELY.

ROUX: ...you're not going right back out again? "Crepuscule is upon us."

...because rich people don't use phrases like "...it's kind of getting dark out."

ROUX: EAT AND REST HERE! You can do no more tonight!

DARCY: Well, okay.

Yes, I'm sure your unprotected sister you've been searching for for weeks, if not months, and your badly wounded near-to-death cousin-slash-best-friend will be juuuuuust fiiiiine.

"It would be an insult if he did not allow [Roux] to be a generous host."

THERE IS A WAR ON. DOES HE EVEN KNOW YOU JUST FOUND YOUR SISTER AND COUSIN?

Darcy sits on the bed in the guest bedroom, hoping his dirty breeches won't stain the blanket, and having trouble removing his boots because he hasn't taken them off in over a week.

...he must be crusty as hell. And yet he bought new shirts all over the place? What, anything from the waist down can go to stanky hell?

He braces a foot against the proffered butt of a footman (rowr) and gets help with one boot off, then falls back on the bed and passes out and even the bath being prepared in the next room does not wake him up.

A servant comes to call him to supper.

DARCY: *waking with a bolt* F$*#! ...ooooh I haven't eaten since breakfast!

So he goes and unwraps his old grimy shirt from his pack and the two miniatures of Georgiana and Lizzy, wrapped in some Brussels lace he'd bought for her. (Because he'd better not return from a rescue-mission upon a continent embroiled in a war without a pretty SOUVENIR for the missus.)

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Apparently Lille has better lace but I am staying the fuck out of that town.

He strokes the portrait affectionately then goes to the bathroom, and the water's gone cold, but whatever, he bathes in it, anyway.

"When he came up, he slung the water from his face." WE KNOW WE ALL SAW THE MINISERIES.

He sees a fresh set of clothes (perfect fit, how handy for one so singular and tall as he!)

"After months of inhumane existence, Darcy thought it curious how easily his body surrendered to civility."

Yes, months of buying clean shirts and having your pride injured by every little thing must have been SO HARD. Also, finally some indication of how much time has passed. Sort of. Months.

He's already doing the last of his buttons when a 'manservant' appears to help him dress, and I'm like...where were these servants when they just let him sleep? Wasn't supper announced however long ago?

MANSERVANT'S THOUGHTS: OH GOD I AM TOO LATE TO ASSIST MONSIEUR I MUST FUSS DOUBLE

DARCY: Will you DESIST?

"...he had become quite used to tending himself."

Well WELL DONE for dressing yourself, buddy! Gold star sticker and a lollipop for you!

He hears voices and the sounds of cutlery indicating that Roux has company. (I feel like this is dinner, rather than supper. Too formal.)

He apologizes for being late upon his entry to the dining-room, and feels awkward in his comparatively simple clothing. Roux conducts him to the seat of honour, however.

Darcy is MOST disconcerted, however, not at his late entry, the stares, his plain if clean clothing, but the lack of having Lizzy beside him in a formal setting.

Boo frickin' hoo. Deal with it, Mr. Propriety.

Roux's daughter Celeste sits on his right.

In profile, she looks a hell of a lot like Lizzy. Well, dark hair and round cheeks.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: OMG GASP

Then she snorts a giggle and her face is narrower than Lizzy's and her eyes deeper set so she's basically a flirty shrew and now Darcy can hate her for having the call to ape his beloved.

Celeste proves herself to be a ceaseless flirt of Lydia's caliber, stupid to her fingernails, and intent on increasingly florid displays of vulgar interest.

Of course.

Because how dare she look remotely like Lizzy from any angle in any light.

Then all the other guests jump in to question Darcy in rapid French about Napoleon or whatever.

Roux has apparently told everyone that Darcy is some kind of political diplomat. Darcy begins to curse hiding his reasons for coming to France.

(Also something about however proud Roux might be to have a diplomat in the family, Darcy feels that title something of an affront to himself and his station because he is better than everything, GOD, don't you GET IT?)

Also the starter is pork and Darcy hates pork so no matter how hungry he is or how many peasants would give their eyeteeth for such a plateful, he shoves it aside and gulps more wine.

Comes as no surprise that this dingleberry hates bacon.

I'm having ham for Christmas and I will dedicate it to Mr. Douchey.

Then he looks up and realizes not far away sits JULIETTE CLISSON.

Heeeeey former non-mistress heeeey!

She's doing a super-good impression of ignoring him, while Darcy tries not to lose his shit. In his confusion, he ingests several bites of pork before he remembers he hates it.

He looks again, but she's being all discreet and shit, which is why he chose her to be the depository for his sexual frustrations in the first place.

Roux's wife is absent, and Darcy's never met her, and aside from Celeste, most of Roux's guests appear to be...good-time girls. In a house that hasn't been destroyed, flush with all good things of material wealth.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: WHAT HIVE OF OPPORTUNISTIC VILLANY HAVE I ENTERED INTO?

The woman sitting beside Celeste, whose name escaped him, has taken it into her head to compete with Celeste for Darcy's attentions. Because.

Apparently the custom of seperating the men and women at the end of a dinner ("SUPPER" MY ASS) and leaving the men to brandy and tobacco is an English thing, because he finds himself dragged possessively by these two into the drawing-room after the meal.

He makes a beeline for the fireplace, to indulge in his habit of staring at the fire, "the window, his shoes," as a means of not having to interact with people.

But they follow hiiiim.

Roux refills his wineglass and Darcy's like WELP GULP.

He untangles himself from the touchy feely French ladies and explains that he's here on a mission and has no interest or time for shenanigans.

She gets all pouty and stamps her foot because this is the first hottie she's seen in half a year.

ROUX: WHAT ABOUT ME?

FRENCH LADY: SILLY, WE'VE ALREADY DONE IT.

CELESTE'S THOUGHTS: MY TURN.

DARCY'S FACE: NO.

ROUX: Are you so tired that no one here can tempt you?

DARCY: I'm married.

ROUX: lol so what?

DARCY: If you knew my wife you'd know she is utter perfection and would probably want her for yourself. Most men do. She's the only one for me.

ROUX: Not your father's son, then.

DARCY: ...er...well, a young man has his silly--

ROUX: HAH please, he was at it until the day he died. I'm amazed he had only one bastard child. I've got six! At LEAST! And I didn't get my end away NEARLY as often as he did!

DARCY: *rageface*

ROUX: Only a rumour. ...lol.

DARCY: HEY IS THAT THE TIME WELP GOODNIGHT I GUESS.

Before he leaves, he catches sight of Juliette again, and begins to wonder...

See, he's sent oodles of letters to Lizzy, but has been told every time that it's unlikely any of them would find her. After a point he was just writing and sending them to soothe himself.

Jerk.

Also, can we establish WHY Juliette felt this was a dandy time to be returning to her native France? Darcy presumes she's on her way back to London, but it's never quite determined WTF she's doing on the continent in the first place.

Also, now it's Miss Clisson.

Nevermind that prior to this it was all Viscountess this and Viscountess that because she inherited the title from her dead mother and other tales of lineage asshaberdashery.

He belatedly realises that his host and host's daughter might think he was lying to them about being happily married if they see him go for Juliette, but whatever. She holds out her hand for him to kiss and raises an eyebrow.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: THAT'S JUST LIKE THE EYEBROW LIZZY GIVES ME SOMETIMES.

Her skiiiiin her smeeeeell the memoriiiiies of so many niiiights spent in her arrrrms.

DARCY: SO IT'S BEEN A WHILE HUH.

JULIETTE: *le nod*

DARCY: ...I was kinda surprised to see you. What brings you here?

JULIETTE: I might ask you zee same zing.

DARCY: Soooooooo headed back to England anytime soon?

JULIETTE: Um...oui. Matter of fact, me and my 'omegirls are just stopping here for zee night on our way back to London. I was in France trying to persuade my Papa to come to England. Both of my brothers are dead in Russia, and my father prefers to stay by my mother's grave because IDK he likes death or something. *le shrug*

DARCY: Sorry for your loss--DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GOING TO ENGLAND RIGHT AWAY? LIKE ASAP?

JULIETTE: Mhm.

DARCY: Will you take a letter to my wife? The post system is all gone to hell.

JULIETTE: Sure.

DARCY: I don't wish to impose. Only if it's convenient and no trouble.

JULIETTE: I leave tomorrow morning.

DARCY: I'll have the letter for you, then.

JULIETTE: I'll let you get back to your friend.

MADEMOISELLE UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAME: *death glares for Juliette*

DARCY: No friend of mine.

JULIETTE: No, not that crackwhore. I mean your cousin's daughter. You should totally tap that.

DARCY: WHAT? NO.

I kind of love Juliette.

JULIETTE: Look at her face. One word from you and she'll give you all the cherry pie you want.

DARCY: She's just a flirt. Nothing serious.

JULIETTE: Still. For an inexperienced girl, I can't fault her taste. If a girl's gotta chose the right guy for the job, you're pretty handy.

DARCY: GOING AWAY NOW BYE

JULIETTE: XD

Darcy manages to get away from Roux and his guests, but only after drinking successive toasts to everything under the sun.

DRUNK!DARCY: *looks about the same as sober!Darcy because WILLPOWER*

I make no apologies for my heinous pseudo-Frenglish in Juliette's dialogue slipping away. It's Christmas Eve, doodz. And snarky modern girl suits her, too.
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Old December 26th, 2012, 06:21 AM   #152
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Six

The Colonel's flashback chapter.

COLONEL: Well at least they let every officer bring his own horse. Good boy, Scimitar! We know one another so well, I have no fear of letting go of the reins and driving you with the merest twitch of my manly knees.

SCIMITAR: Your condescension means so much to me.

Battle is hard and shitty but they are such an awesome team that they remain standing long after most others had fallen, which also leaves them hella exposed. Someone fires a cannon to the horse's right, and Scimitar finally loses his shit and rears and falls on the Colonel's leg and then descends into a twitching dead-weight of flesh.

Some French soldier approaches, mortally wounded, but still evidently able to make himself a danger to others.

COLONEL: SCIMITAR I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY DYING AND ALL BUT SERIOUSLY IF YOU LEAVE ME STUCK BENEATH YOUR FAT ASS AND UNABLE TO FLEE YOU ARE UNINVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY.

SCIMITAR: s...*cough*...*wheeeeeze* Don't you fret...M'sieur Fitzwilliam...

COLONEL: FUCK YOU.

Scimitar finally manages to haul his inconveniently-expiring body far enough off the Colonel so Fitzwilliam is able to pull a feat of super-human strength and hop up on his one leg and stab the French guy to death.

Then there's another cannon-ball and a flash and

COLONEL: OW MY EYES

---

~SOME TIME LATER~!

COLONEL'S THOUGHTS: ...wow, I suppose I might actually die, here.

BODY-ROBBERS: *steal, grope, steal* Ooooh this one's got nice boots. Shame about the leg.

COLONEL: SON OF AN OWIE STEP OFF I'VE GOT A SWORD AND THE SUDDEN STRENGTH TO FEND YOU OFF

So the opportunists take off and the Colonel collapses sobbing against Scimitar's body and passes out, again.


...lol please any thief worth their salt could have waited five seconds until he was done 'defending' himself and then just taken his boots while he was sleeping and probably cut his throat with his own sword.

Whatever.

RIP Scimitar. Merry Christmas.
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Old December 26th, 2012, 08:09 AM   #153
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Seven

"As Darcy perambulated up the stairs..."

...you know, just because a word has lots of letters DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MAKE IT THE PROPITIOUS SELECTION BEST CHOICE.

Anyway, buddy is tottery as hell because he just got shitfaced on wine at dinner because self-control only ceases to be a Thing to End All Things with Darcy when it suits the plot?

He collapses onto his bed, sweating, and can't believe how drunk he is.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: I'M AMONG STRANGERS. IN FRANCE. AT WAR. SHIT I WAS GONNA WRITE LIZZY.

So he throws off his jacket and tears at his cravat and collar and sits sweatily at the desk and paws at some parchment before he realizes he is WAY to drunk for this.

And, yes, Berdoll specifies parchment.

Apparently paper just won't do? Or Berdoll just thought OLD TIMEY WRITING STUFF and didn't bother working out that we're a few hundred years too late to be using parchment for a common missive, here.

DARCY: Ah'll d'it inna mornin'...

He picks up Lizzy's miniature and can barely see straight, now.

So he pours himself another glass of vino. Because even the Great and Powerful Darcy isn't immune to drunk logic. Thank goodness. This should be hilarious.

Then he passes out on the bed and spills wine all over himself.

*fingers crossed for vomiting five bites of the pork starter all over himself*

DOES HE DREAM OR DOES HE WAKE?

More importantly, who cares?

Possibly hallucinatory parade as follows:

JULIEEEEETTE.

NARRATELLER: Reminder: he never loved her. Was kind of fond of her, maybe. But he hasn't spared her a moment in his thoughts since meeting Lizzy. He never once forgot Juliette's station. She wasn't his mistress, exactly. More of a...friend. With benefits, if you will. Darcy was always suspicious that Juliette would have been his lover even if he hadn't paid her, because STUDLY. He insisted on it, though, because otherwise then it was too close to something like a relationship. It left him free. To abandon her for Elizabeth. WHEW.

Having confessed the former liason to Lizzy, he has rid himself of all guilt he felt over the attachment. If there were any problems still tied to that whole period of his life, it's now Lizzy's problem to deal with.

...he's ACKNOWLEDGING this in his mind? What a DICK.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: But, I mean, if I ever found out that Lizzy had been with another man before me, I'd lose my shit. Completely. Utterly. Unfairly, yes, but I'd still do it. I wouldn't be able to control myself.

Mmmmm hero buying into rape culture thought patterns yaaaaay.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...shit, wait, did I seriously just ask my ex to deliver a letter to my current? Craaaaaaaaap. If Lizzy's prior lay ever popped up like HEY SHE ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS I'd do angry visceral violent bloody gorey screwed-up things. ...but wait, of course Juliette will merely post the letter once she gets to London. NO NEED TO WORRY. Whew. Now I can focus on our conversation and all the salacious memories it brought back.

Also, his cousin's daughter who totally looks like Lizzy from the side and wants him to be her first. Darcy had always made it his personal mission to never deflower a woman, no matter how they begged.

Wickham, naturally, was the opposite. Nothing he likes better than popping the seal on a new can of coffee.

NARRATELLER: Of course, Wickham probably prefers virgins because they are easy to seduce and can't critique his lovemaking. Darcy has no need of such, being AWESOME.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Lizzy was my first...first. Mmm. Lizzy. Our wedding-night.

---

FLASHBACK TO THEIR WEDDING NIGHT (NO I'M SERIOUS BERDOLL ACTUALLY WENT THERE)

"To his chagrin, he had actually found his mien ruffled..."

I just...that sentence. WHAT.

"An unprecedented attack of sentimentality had led him to believe their wedding bed must be anointed with pink rose petals."

It's called having a Texan housewife living inside your brain.

"...quit behaving like an infatuated elk."



(No, I don't know why I watermarked this, or who would want to steal it, or if the law is going to show up and confiscate my harddrive for investigation purposes once it sees this.)

GOODWIN: Shall I have a maid scatter the flowers, sir?

DARCY: NO I MUST DO IT. QUICKLY I WILL FINISH MY BATH LATER.

So he hauls out of the tub and drags his shirt and breeches on over his soaking wet skin slowly lovingly clingingly reluctantly.

BUT SURPRISE LIZZY ENTERS

He is all mortified but then he stops and sees the handy backlighting and flimsy nighty, loose hair, raised eyebrow, and then it's like BOOM ON THE BED NOW.

He loses all control of himself and you know the rest. We all know the rest. More's the pity.

PRESENT!DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...but did I want HER, or her virginity? Would Celeste be the same?

...

PRESENT!DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Nah. I love Lizzy and feel nothing for that hussy.

SHOCK AWE GASP

He drifts off to sleep and is totally all aroused now because LIZZYYYYY.

"...probably the drink."

Yeah, 'cause copious amounts of alcohol totally makes a man not only horny but also entirely capable of the sex act and doesn't impede his performance at all.

He wakes up, and there's a woman lying on top of him, and he has no idea how Lizzy found him, but he's all YEEEAH LIZZY.

READERS: Um...you dumbass, there's no way that's Lizzy.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: MAN WHAT A GREAT DREAM.

...you JUST WOKE UP INTO IT, THOUGH.

SEXCEPTION.

BRRRRRRM!
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Old December 27th, 2012, 12:06 AM   #154
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Eight

Lizzy's waiting. She's so good at waiting that the entire opening paragraph is about how good she is at waiting for all sorts of things and she should open a school to teach people how to wait for stuff because she is that good and it's not like that's a random and facetious notion because there's no call for full-scale school-style tutelage in how to wait for shit.

Also the text has proven time and time again that she is impatient and impulsive as hell, so just because for once in her life she isn't getting instant gratification or validation from everyone around her does not make her a ~Master of the Art of Waiting~.

"Waiting to have their baby."

SORRY EVERYONE HAS TO WAIT FOR THAT SORT OF THING. IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU PRECIOUSLY PATIENT.

"She traipsed about the halls of Pemberley..." all tweedle-dee and everything's-fine and no she doesn't want visitors, or to visit Longbourne, just everyone leave her the hell alone please lalala tumteetum smiles plastered on.

"Ten weeks of uninterrupted disconsolation."

So much for this idea of Lizzy being some beatific model of patience and calm. She figures she's going insane. Or is, already.

This gives her something to do with her time--trying to determine exactly how much of her mind she's lost.

...I swear, never has there been SO MUCH written that covers SO LITTLE.

Endless navel-gazing while Lizzy sleeps on Darcy's side of the bed, wallowing in co-dependance and missing him.

Just copy and paste the lyrics of every Linkin Park song ever written and be done with it.

A little bit of a blurb about the war and yay the British but oops a lot of soldiers dying.

Lizzy freaks out a bit and I'm curious as to why because DARCY ISN'T A SOLDIER FFS.

But Lizzy needs OBJECTS to get the full value out of her memories.

First, the stanky shirt she liberated from the floor and can still smell Darcy from.

Secondly, that blue ("azure") ribbon from that jewelry box that he'd tied for her himself.

Berdoll reminds us in all her triteness that it's the LITTLE THINGS IN LIFE that are so very special to Lizzy.

Thanks. What a unique human experience her life must be, that she is privvy to such rare wisdom.

...OH MY GOD.

I.

WHAT.

IN A THROW-AWAY SENTENCE WE ARE INFORMED THAT THE 'TROILUS' OF DARCY'S PAIR OF DOGS, WHO IS KIND OF AN OLD PUP BY NOW, BUT WHATEVER, HAS BEEN, IN THE WAKE OF LADY CATHERINE'S POST-SHOOT-OUT DEPARTURE, BEEN CRUSHED BENEATH THE DE BOURGH CARRIAGE WHEELS.

WHAT.

THAT IS NOT OKAY.

So now Cressida paces with Lizzy and 'mournfully [matches]' Lizzy's emotional state.

Um, no. Darcy isn't DEAD and WILL YOU STOP APPROPRIATING THE GRIEF OF OTHERS TO ILLUSTRATE HOW TWAGIC AND TWUE THE LOVE OF THIS MAWWAGE IS. Even if it is a dog's grief, bloody hell, it's some kind of new anthropomorphic low and LEAVE THE DOGGIES ALONE.

Lo, a rider! From her near-permanent post at a window that commands a view of the lane approaching the house, Lizzy gets a letter, but it's not from Darcy, and in an unrecognizeable hand.

Someone has a message for her from Darcy!

MEET ME IN LONDON. COME ALONE.

J.C.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: DARCY'S ALIVE WHOO READY MY COACH

"When those instructed did not move with enough dispatch, she almost bellowed, "Do not dangle about!""

BEST MOST PATIENT PERSON AT WAITING, EVER.

I mean, really.

LIZZY: I'm going to London!

GOODWIN: *only shows emotion by clasping his hands together and nodding*

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I CAN SEE HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO YOU.

BINGLEY: HEY WHAT'S UP?

LIZZY: DARCY'S WELL. I'VE HEARD OF HIM.

BINGLEY: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I'D HUG YOU BUT YOU'RE KIND OF HUGELY PREGNANT. Wait, you're going to London? Is he there?

LIZZY: The message is! "A post came today!"

A WHOLE POST! ANOTHER ONE!

BINGLEY: But this message is so mysterious! Who is this person? Why did they not come themselves? Why must you go alone?

"Elizabeth knew that if Charles Bingley was the voice of reason, she was behaving far too impetuously. Nevertheless, she cast reason aside."

Bingley's defect as Austen would have it is being TOO NICE, not being a total IDIOT. But Berdoll has gotten these same traits confused with Jane, evidently, so.

Also, again, we have yet more evidence of Lizzy's high intelligence and careful patience.

BINGLEY: Well at least let me come with you!

LIZZY: I CAN'T GO WITH ANYBODY, THE NOTE SAID TO COME ALONE, GOD KAREN YOU'RE SO STUPID

Bingley notes that the coach is heavily laden with armed servants, and though Darcy never explained to him what exactly happened Before, "he had explained that he had given orders to his footmen to shoot to kill anyone--man, woman, or child [Ed. D: WHAT THE FUCK] --who attempted to enter the coach if either Elizabeth or Georgiana was inside."

DARCY'S INSTRUCTIONS TO SAID FOOTMEN: Don't worry, I have the power to cover up any and all murders you commit on my paranoid orders.

FOOTMEN: *discreetly start inquiring about jobs elsewhere*

LOL DON'T BE SILLY OF COURSE THEY ADORE THE DARCYS AND AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THEY DO AND ARE PAID IN GOLD DUST AND DIAMONDS THE SIZE OF MY FIST

JANE: ...Lizzy's going to London alone, "six and one-half months great with child" six and a half months pregnant?

...okay, NO WOMAN is TOO HUGE to hug at barely over six months, Bingley, geez.

Bingley does what he can and rides alongside the carriage until it hits the crossroads, then watches it until it's out of sight.

He is so nice, I wish the Darcys and Berdoll weren't such total dicks to him and Jane. It is one of the top things that makes me sad about this book. And there is a lot about this book that makes me sad.
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Old December 27th, 2012, 02:45 AM   #155
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Seventy-Nine

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: Taking wine for medicinal purposes is like the opposite of being hungover. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Needless to say, the sunny, jolting wagon-ride back to the hospital is not his favourite thing.

GEORGIANA: Geoffrey doesn't have a fever! :3 Yet!

DARCY: Roux has insisted we bring Fitzwilliam to his house.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: BUT IT IS FULL OF TROLLOPS I HAVE FOUND A MORE SUITABLE COTTAGE FOR MY SISTER, I MEAN US.

"...it appeared there was a good chance [Fitzwilliam's wounds] would, indeed, heal."

COP OUT.

HE WAS HOVERING AT DEATH'S DOOR AND ALL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS AGREED THAT HIS SHATTERED, INFECTED LEG REQUIRED AMPUTATION.

I am so pissed that the Darcys are going to get smug validation and reward for disparaging people who, by all accounts, ought to know better than they. I bet any crippling the Colonel gets is going to be minor, anyway. Like, snazzy walking-stick minor.

GEORGIANA: ...but what of the other patients? I feel so guilty for leaving THEM here...

DARCY'S FOOT: *tap*tap*tap*tap*tap* JUST COME WITH ME NOW. I SWEAR I'LL LET YOU COME BACK IF YOU WANT.

Hahahaha yeah, no. He's going to lock you up for a million years for pulling this shit, Georgiana.

GEORGIANA: Just let me finish up what I've got to do and SAVE ALL THE SOLDIERS!

Darcy passes the time by helping carry some stretchers around.

GEORGIANA'S THOUGHTS: DO ANY OF THEM KNOW WHO THEY HAVE THE VERY GREAT HONOUR OF BURDENING WITH THEIR INJURED SELVES?

Shut up, no one cares who you think he is.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: UGH LOOK AWAY FROM MY SHAME EW FILTHY DYING PEOPLE EVERYWHERE

"...propriety...in gentlemen, ...demanded only leisure."

Um, no, it doesn't.

DARCY'S STATION: SO INSULTED OMG

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: BUT I CANNOT STAND IDLY BY I AM THE HERO

So he watches the triage process for a while.

His co-stretcher-carrier is some massive lug named Mott who is kind of stupid and doesn't have many teeth and grins at everything.

Because no one is allowed to be intelligent or attractive in this book.

Darcy wrenches something in his back and lets out a slight sound of pain.

MOTT THE MYSTERIOUSLY-PLACED ENGLISHMAN ORDERLY: "Need t'rest, Guv'nor?"

RUSTIC PEASANTESE!

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: I CANNOT BE BESTED BY SOME POOR MORON WHO ISN'T AS PRETTY AS ME.

He bends to pick up a stretcher and OMG JOHN CHRISTIE!

SURGEON: ...this one's hopeless. Put him in the pile with the other dying ones.

How in the hell did a point-blank shot in the gut survive this many DAYS since Quatre-Bras?

DARCY: HOW MANY TIMES MUST I CONTRADICT YOU, LOWLY SURGEON? THIS MAN GOES INSIDE.

SURGEON: Whatever.

JOHN: *still conscious* omg wtf Mr. Darcy get off me he's come to finish me

DARCY: CHILL, KID.

JOHN: OKAY BUT ONLY 'CAUSE MY TIME IS SHORT.

DARCY: ...so. ....the Grenadiers, huh?

JOHN: You're more savvy about soldiers than your sister, that's for sure.

DARCY: That might have something to do with how I kept her chained in the drawing-room and restricted her reading material all her life. She's here, you know.

JOHN: INJURED? I SHALL RISE UP AND SEE SHE IS WELL!

DARCY: Dude, you're dying, and she's fine. Sit down. She's nursing.

JOHN: Oh, right. I'd forgotten.

DARCY'S THOUGHT: I'd better not tell him about the Colonel.

ME: THAT'S RIGHT HIS ONE TRUE SLASHY LOVE.

JOHN: So...how are the horses doing?

DARCY: Oh, they're good. They're all fine.

JOHN: Cool.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: OH GOD THIS IS SO AWKWARD.

JOHN: ...

DARCY: I'm gonna go. Get Georgiana. She'll be better company for you. While you're finishing dying.

GEORGIANA: OMG ;__;

So they make small-talk and Darcy watches and wonders if maybe Lizzy is right and he SHOULD practise talking to strangers, more.

THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED, LIKE, FIVE YEARS, AND SHE HASN'T EFFECTED ANY KIND OF APPRECIABLE CHANGE IN HIS MANNERISMS THAT MADE HIM SO REPELLANT IN SOCIETY? WTF?

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: If we can get John and Geoff away from this FILTHY HOSPITAL (this is the billionth time Berdoll's used that descriptor, it feels like,) surely both will survive!

...dude, seriously? You saw the kid's sucking chest-wound.

GEORGIANA: Brother, John's time grows short! He said he was shot by a British officer, but IDK he's delirious. Maybe you'll know WTF he's talking about.

DARCY: What happened, kid?

JOHN: I caught him doing identity theft and he shot me.

DARCY: By mistake?

JOHN: ............NO, IDIOT. He was all friendly before. From Derbyshire. Telling me all about how "Kympton was the living her should've 'ad."

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...........OMFG NO ONE ELSE HAS THAT CATCHPHRASE. NO ONE ELSE SAYS THAT TO EVERYONE THEY MEET TEN SECONDS AFTER SAYING HELLO.

ME: ..............seriously?

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: OF COURSE HE WOULD. THAT COWARD. THAT UNREDEEMABLE, CONSTANTLY COWARDLY LITTLE SHIT. HE KILLED HIS OWN SON! THANK GOD JOHN DOESN'T KNOW HIS OWN DADDY SHOT HIM.

As Darcy watches John die, he remembers that one time he thought Lizzy was dead after the stillbirth from hell and nearly breaks down completely because we can never grieve here unless it somehow involves LIZZYYYYYY.

DARCY: CAN'T BREATHE.

He tries to loosen his cravat before he remembers that his cravat is already being used elsewhere as a tourniquet, so he rips at his collar and more neck fetish for all.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: At least Georgiana never knew my misapprehension that I might be John's father because then I'd have to explain to her how I used one of our household servants sexually.

JOHN: *finally dies*

---

Darcy determines that John shall be buried at Roux's house. Mass graves are not for...um, people he kind of likes. Well, feel guilty about. He was pretty awful to this kid every time they interacted, until the end.

And even then he didn't take any prizes for being nice.

DARCY: You! Soldier with similar uniform to that kid who just died. Was your commanding officer Major Wickham?

DUDE: Yeah. He's dead. I saw his body. Pity his horse didn't make it. The horse was twenty times better.

DARCY: Thanks.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...so he saw a body wearing Wickham's clothes, I guess--BUT HOW CAN HE BE SURE? HE DIDN'T SAY HE'D SEEN THE DEAD MAN'S FACE! Whatever happens, if I see Wickham again, I'm gonna try my hardest to KILL HIIIIIIIIIM THIS I VOOOOOOOOOOW.

This will end well.

---

A message is sent to ask Roux to prepare a burial plot, and Darcy belatedly realises he forgot to specify that this was just some servant from Pemberley, and not a member of the family.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...it's kind of funny. Heh. Whoops. Heeeeeee.

...it's...not THAT funny.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: BLACK HUMOUR I'M SO WRY.

...no...you're not.

RANDOM LOWER ORDERS: *mumblemumble* putrid fever blah.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: GASP. TYPHUS. PLAGUE! ...no wonder, this hospital is so (wait for it...) FILTHY. There are LICE EVERYWHERE. No WONDER there's an epidemic breaking out!

DOCTOR: We can set up another hospital ten miles away, and re-route the incoming wounded there; but the ones here we have to ditch. They'll probably die, but we have to lockdown.

Darcy frantically begins looking for his sister, and tells her they must leave immediately. He enlists Mott to help them get Fitzwilliam out and into the wagon, with John's body laid alongside him, and thank goodness that the Colonel's bandaged eyes won't let him see THAT.

Apparently it's some great irony that John's body is shrouded in the blanket meant for his idolized hero Colonel?

DARCY: Mott, you saw NOTHING, hear me?

MOTT: RIGHT Y'ARE, FOR A QUID I'D STRANGLE ME OWN MOTHER.

DARCY: ...right.

To buy Mott's silence, Darcy gives him a 'sovereign', proving that Darcy IS actually hauling jingly huge amounts of gold coins around for just such petty purposes, and Darcy is WAY COOLER than everyone else, so much so that he's able to pay off peasants in 1815 with coins that won't begin being minted until 1817.

...in any other universe than this, I'd love to see Darcy in the TARDIS, but...no.

The wagon creaks forward, and a guard yells HALT.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: The outbreak isn't official yet. I WILL NOT COMPLY, IN ANY CASE!

The guard speaks fluent Rustic Peasantese and 'unholsters' his weapon.

GUARD: I SAID STOP. I GIVE THE ORDERS, HERE.

Darcy reaches for his own sword (???)

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: He started this. He shouldn't issue threats he isn't prepared to make good on.

So Darcy draws his sword and is like GTFO OF MY WAY.

OTHER GUARD: ...I think this guy is serious. There's only one of him and he's still not obeying our request to stop.

As the standoff continues, it begins to rain "...as he stood ready to do murder once again."



And these guys are just minions doing their JOBS. For the PROTECTION OF THE WIDER COMMUNITY FROM A DEVASTATING AND DEADLY EPIDEMIC.

There's a rolling crack of thunder to underscore the melodrama, and then Darcy hears a pistol being cocked, and a voice behind him say "CEASE!"

DARCY: Thanks, Georgiana.

GEORGIANA: Got your back, bro.

The wagon begins to move forward again, and one of the guards espies some unsteadiness of conviction, or thinks he does, in Georgiana, and lowers his gun to kind of sort of aim it at her.

Darcy kicks at the musket, causing it to discharge into the air, narrowly missing Darcy's head.

DARCY IS JUST SO MAD AT WHAT THIS GUARD HAS DARED DO THAT HE THEN HOLDS THE POINT OF HIS SWORD TO THE GUY'S THROAT UNTIL HE STANDS BACK AND LETS THEM PASS WHICH IS PRETTY QUICK.

Why doesn't Darcy just take hold of this guy's arm and start whapping him about the face with his own hand, while asking him WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF, HUH? HUUUUH?

What. A. Jerk.
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Old December 27th, 2012, 08:29 AM   #156
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Eighty

I forgot to put that the last line of the previous chapter had something really narmy about the 'long road to healing' but the Darcys were being such massive selfish dickbags that I got mad and had to wrap up the recap before I put it in, so let's all laugh at it, now:

LOL.

There. That's done.

"When the address was located, Elizabeth was perplexed. It was not a building, shop, nor home. It appeared not to exist. There was only a park."

GOD DAMN YOU APPLE MAPS *fist shake @ heavens*

We've all been there, Lizzy.

I went looking for a pancake house and found a cinema three blocks in the opposite direction of where I was supposed to be.

Mmm pancakes.

Anyway, Lizzy's heart is all sinking and she feels a sense of growing unease and what if Bingley was right?

HAH of course Bingley wasn't right--he's not Lizzy or Darcy, so he can't be right. Ever.

There are a lot of park benches around, for some reason, so she gets out of the coach and hides her pregnant self with a massive shawl because apparently she has to because BOOM we are now hand-wringingly Victorian about this crap.

"Waiting an hour was no problem for this veteran of wait."

Whoa, what happened to the woman who was bellowing at the footmen to hurry their shit up in the last chapter?

Right, she's the patron saint of keep calm and carry on, now.

A woman sits next to her and asks "Mrs. Darcy?"

WHY ARE YOU PLAYING THIS LIKE A BOND FILM HANDOVER OF SECRET TECH? WHO THE HELL WOULD BE IN A PARK JUST BEFORE DARK AND KNOW OR CARE WHO LIZZY IS OR WHO SHE'S MEETING WITH?

A ) I doubt her acquaintance in London are so vast and well-informed that they know she just arrived from Derbyshire to some obscure corner of a park. B ) If well-bred ladies are not supposed to know what Juliette does, they wouldn't recognize Juliette as such. C ) Any men who would recognize Juliette probably don't give two farts about Mrs. Lizzy Darcy. Sorry, girl, you ain't that world-shatteringly memorable.

LIZZY: Have you word from my husband?

Juliette take sooooooo looooong to respond that Lizzy just about craps herself, and fiiiiinally manages to make herself wait, because, y'know, she's so good at that?

JULIETTE: Don't you recognise me?

LIZZY: No... *tilts head* ...omg YES. What is your name?

JULIETTE: "You may call me Juliette, for your husband does."

OH.

SNAP.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: If this woman doesn't tell me what's up with my husband, I'm really going to start regretting not bringing my pistol.

WOO THE DARCY WOMEN ARE ALL ABOUT PACKING HEAT AND THREATENING PEOPLE WITH IT WHEN THEY DON'T GET THEIR PETTY WAYS, NOW.

I'm wearing my deeply disappointed face.

LIZZY: CALL ME ELIZABETH, THEN. SINCE WE ARE SUCH GOOD FRIENDS. JUST TELL ME ABOUT DARCY THAT'S ALL I NEED TO KNOW.

JULIETTE: O_O ...he was alive and well, one week ago.

LIZZY: PHEW. Where is he? What's happened to him?

Lizzy realises that if Juliette had just put this in her letter, she could have known all this ten hours ago.

...also, if she got the letter ten hours ago and managed to get from Derbyshire to London before twilight...I...no. Just, no. Time has ceased to have any meaning.

JULIETTE: So, I was hanging out with your husband, near Lille.

Lizzy vaguely recalls Darcy mentioning relatives thereabouts.

LIZZY: Is he there now? Is he okay?

JULIETTE: As of right NOW, I have no idea where he is. He's alright, but in need of...comfort. Comfort like I give men, if you know what I mean.

LIZZY: Look, I know my husband loves me, but I DO NOT SHARE HIM. ...but if he needed you, and you obliged him...um...thanks for that.

This is such a weird conversation. The Lizzy of the rest of this book would be beating this woman's face in by now for such insinuations. But I guess that might look bad, so we have a last minute characterization detour where she's suddenly grateful to Juliette for allegedly soothing her husband's needy weeny.

Juliette looks down and Lizzy realises her shawl has dropped and REVEALED THE BULGE and so Lizzy scurries to hide it and feels so fat next to the lithe blonde woman and she sees something in Juliette's hard eyes go soft and gooey.

'Cause hardnosed hookers with hearts of gold love babies.

"...she should have stayed in the coach like a lady."

True, walking a park at dusk is kind of trollopy, but it has nothing to do with hiding a pregnancy or not. -__-

JULIETTE: I have misjudged you! I have been so unkind to make you come here. Of course Darcy would have married the most amazing best woman on the planet.

JULIETTE'S THOUGHTS: I HAVE REVEALED TOO MUCH!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: SHE LOVED DARCY ONCE! I MUST PITY THE POOR UNREQUITED CREATURE!

JULIETTE: Your husband met me in the company of his cousin, and asked me to get a letter to you as he figured his other 'posts' hadn't made it. I was getting checked by officials before leaving France and couldn't get caught with a letter written in English so I destroyed it.

(Huh what?)

JULIETTE: If I'd thought of it I could have had him write it in French so I could translate it for you.

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I CAN READ FRENCH THANK YOU VERY MUCH. SORT OF.

LIZZY: Has he found his sister?

JULIETTE: He didn't say to me. I hope he does find her--France is hugely dangerous, now.

Like it was so peachy BEFORE the war ended...?

LIZZY: I will keep your family in France in my prayers. Thank you.

JULIETTE: *curtsey*

LIZZY: *awkward bow-y non-curtsey because, y'know, trollop*

On her way home in the carriage Lizzy practices saying "Darcy" in a lilting French accent and can't quite manage it.

She also concludes that, though beautiful, Juliette appears a little older than Darcy. (HAH. OLD = EW, OF COURSE.) And that the French, as everyone knows, are all GREAT lovers. And Darcy had told her that various acts and positions had Latin names. And French is a Romance language, SO.

*facepalm*

Yes, so all speakers of non-Romance languages are shitty in the sack and the French in particular are absolute BEASTS.

*slow clap*
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Old December 27th, 2012, 09:11 AM   #157
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Eighty-One

The woods are apparently already crawling with soldiers who are enforcing the quarantine which wasn't even officially being enacted five minutes earlier when the guards at the hospital tried to enforce their authority a little prematurely.

The wagon is stopped by a pair of soldiers who are 'ludicrous' because one is tall, thin and hairy and the other short, fat and bald. LOL extreme charicatures. Subtle, Berdoll.

The Darcys throw a spare blanket over Fitzwilliam and pretend they're carting away corpses for burial. It works, and on they go.

But the road is apparently no longer safe, so they go cross-country and it's all rocky and bouncy and they nearly overturn a number of times and trust me it's supposed to be suspenseful, I guess.

Also, brother and sister communicate via telepathy and body language, alone.

They get to the cosy guesthouse, and Roux has staff with tea waiting for them, and Georgiana goes to get the Colonel settled in, and Darcy immediately goes to get John buried because he's the lousiest of them all and poses the greatest risk for typus. Though Georgiana and the Colonel aren't exactly vermin-free, themselves. They can all agree Darcy is the least-likely to die.

Shit son, I coulda told you that. This book has SEQUELS.

Darcy gets the body to the Roux family plot, and there's a grave already dug, and a coffin waiting. Darcy is all affronted by having to look at John's dead face again, and goes to flee, but is stopped by the 'caretaker' who asks him what name to put on the grave, and Darcy realises he has no idea what his ex-employee's surname was. So he gives the name Darcy, 'cause he doesn't wanna drag Wickham in there.

Darcy struggles to recall something from funeral services in the prayer-book, and finally manages to come up with a snatch of something as the coffin's being covered with dirt.

He asks them to engrave 'Honour, Courage, Kindness' on the headstone, in French. Then pays off a gravedigger to go ring the church bell.

Wow this chapter was boring. I guess it's meant to be touching and heartwrenching because it's John's shabby funeral and Darcy stoops to give him his ~naaaame~ and the honour of his presence at his burial. I thought he was dead on the battlefield several chapters ago, so I guess I'm over it? It wasn't hard to move past the death of a kid so frickin' stoic and stiff that he had little humanity or appeal aside from what was thrust upon him by the Poor Orphan Who Is Kind to Animals storyline.
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Old December 28th, 2012, 12:43 AM   #158
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Default Re: Mr. Darcy Takes a Wife

Chapter Eighty-two

Sorry, the last chapter was so boring I forgot to mention that the gunshot that DARCY SET OFF BY KICKING THAT GUY'S MUSKET apparently set off his whole deafness thing again.

Which didn't interfere at all with his interactions in French with the graveyard workers.

At first it's just a heavy ringing in his ears, and then it's all turned Charlie-Brown-Grown-Ups.

NARRATELLER: Any other man might've thought himself fortunate to only be deaf following all the crap he's been through, but DARCY IS NOT LIKE OTHER MEEEEN.

I swear, half this book must be the mindless repetition of these reminders.

NARRATELLER: Darcy's arrogance might have lessened over the years, but humility is still not and never will be his thing.

Haha, please, Darcy is even MORE of an arrogant dick in this book than he EVER was in P&P.

Oh, and the 'trials' his pride has been put through during his search of war-torn France for his missing sister?

Are listed as follows: having to ride a crappy horse, having to work with that dumbass Mott, and nearly having his head blown off because he kicked a guy's musket when it was pointed towards him.

Uuuuugh his life is so HAAAARD with a horrible ride and a job he hates and being a dick with no regard for his own safety when he decided to put his boot into a loaded, aimed, and cocked firearm...

Boo frickin' hoo.

NARRATELLER: To have escaped the horse and Mott, only to be plagued by a physical injury is THE WORST THING EVER BECAUSE HE CAN NEITHER RUN AWAY NOR PAY IT OFF. "...the very impotence of his will in the matter."

omg Control Freak Darcy can't handle the real world doing things he doesn't want it to

even if he really, REALLY brought that gunshot upon his own ass

But his "pride...demanded he mask any personal imperfection." (...that is NOT what he meant by avoiding such faults as give rise to general censure...deafness is not a moral flaw that others will readily mock. Or shouldn't, anyway.)

So he hides the fact that he's deaf "...with all the duplicity of a particularly artful card-sharp."

Because he's just so good at everything.

Except Georgiana immediately sees through it.

I would SO love for Georgiana to beat Darcy at every game, ever.

In consideration for his ego, she pretends not to notice for a while, then finally is like "look, it happened, let's deal with it and move on."

And she has more important shit to do, like make herbal remedies for Fitzwilliam's eyes and leg and she's all super-nurse and whatever and now I have no doubt that Fitzwilliam will live a long and healthy life or whatever because WILLOW BARK TEA or something.

Darcy calls together Roux's servants and explains that they're all at risk for typhus. The poor, illiterate, superstitious peasants are all wide-eyed, but not one leaves.

Because they're already devoted to Darcy and his family or something?

Georgiana spends all her time nursing, reading to the Colonel, and embroidering while he sleeps, so Darcy has no time to question her about her emotional state.

"...both knew it was only a matter of time before he cornered her elsewhere in the cottage..."

AUGH CREEPY ABUSIVE DARCY/GEORGIANA DOMINATION SHIP IS SETTING SAIL, AGAIN.

NARRATELLER: Georgiana is highly aware that she is the Only Sister of Fitzwilliam Darcy (an "office" which she alone holds,) and so she knows she must eventually tell him every damn thing about her reasons for and methods of running away.

Their relationship really IS less lovingly devoted and more slave-and-master.

Darcy writes out a detailed survey for Georgiana to complete, but knows this will never be enough for him to understand his sister's heart, or something.

He IS a robot, geez.

Georgiana tears the paper in half and hands it back to him.

Nice try, bro.

Darcy gets increasingly miserable because they can't go anywhere or do anything and Georgiana won't quit HUMMING and he thinks about Lizzy and thinks his heart might actually burst out of his chest and so he writes NUMBERLESS LETTERRRRS.

These letters pile up on the veranda, waiting for a rider to go by, and a rider never passes. IDK.

Roux sends out an empty wagon with a bunch of servants every day, and every day they come back with bulky items covered and hidden in the wagon.

I wish I cared.

NARRATELLER: Darcy isn't nosey or anything, normally, but he has nothing to do, so he's gone a bit Rear Window on this shit.

One day a goose escapes from the 'cottage' garden and gets caught in the wheels of the wagon, so Darcy takes the opportunity to go over and peek under the wagon-cover, and sees various valuables looted from the surrounding country houses, on his cousin's orders.

ROUX: I'm only doing what the armies are doing!

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: FAMILY HONOURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! D: D: D:

---

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...surely Roux can't have always been this disreputable? Otherwise the amazingly good man my father was would never have hung out with him!

He then extensively ponders the coincidence of running into Juliette again, and acknowledges that the 'coincidence' of Lizzy being incapable of getting Darcy out of her head, leading her to visit Pemberley back in P&P, thereby allowing them their second chance.

Um, except she was NOT in love with him, nor quite all that obsessive, at that point? She was hoping he WOULDN'T be there, and that she wouldn't have to deal with seeing him. Her curiosity was wanting to see what she'd turned down, and having no way of refusing to accompany the Gardiners there without revealing the failed proposal. Aside from perhaps the confidance of a sister or mother, a well-bred lady did NOT widely reveal a gentleman's failure. It was like the tacit trade-off for refusing him--at least she won't blab around that she DID refuse him. That's why Fanny Price is so coy, even to her family in Portsmouth, about her refusal of Henry Crawford. The Mansfield crew knows about it only because Henry and Mary and Sir Thomas all talk openly about it as means of trying to pressure Fanny into it.

Just...ugh, the emotional arcs of P&P are NOT love-at-first-sight-but-they-don't-know-it. They have to have REASONS for loving one another, and as of her tooling about with the Gardiners, Lizzy is at last beginning to let go of her prejudice, and entertaining the thought of respecting or maybe admiring Darcy as a better person than Wickham, but she is NOT all mooning over his ass by ANY means.

Anyway, Darcy never criticised his father's method of recommending a high-class brothel, despite knowing his father to be the model of all that is moral and good and worthy etc..

Thinking about how his father hooked him up to the brothel where Juliette worked "...was a course of thought...best not to pursue. Hence, he did not. He pursued his sister. The time he did not spend searching the road for a surrogate post-boy, he stalked Georgiana."

D: CREEPER SHIP AHOY

NARRATELLER: So he just waits for her in the hall. Like a spider.

D: D: D:

He finally catches Georgiana and gets straight to the point:

DARCY: DO HAVE THE AUDACITY TO THINK YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH THE COLONEL YOU SILLY GIRL?

GEORGIANA'S THOUGHTS: OMG YOU CONDESCENDING DOUCHE

GEORGIANA: *nod*

DARCY: AND DOES HE LOVE YOU BACK?

GEORGIANA: *shrugs and "flounces" off*

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: MAH PRIIIIIIIDE THAT FLOUNCE IS INSUFFERABLE.

FITZWILLIAM: *looks like shit, though his leg has stopped oozing, apparently, and he's no longer delerious*

Then one day Darcy happens upon the room as Georgiana is giving the Colonel his "daily sponge bath."

Really? A DAILY all-over is thought necessary in 1815?

GEORGIANA: ...

You go, girl.

DARCY: GEORGIANAAAAA!

GEORGIANA: *drops the arm she was soaping up*

COLONEL: *still has his eyes covered* WTF GEORGIANA? *flails*

GEORGIANA: LOOK WHAT YOU DID DARCY.

She hauls him back into the drawing-room and insists he stay there.

DARCY: WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? PROPRIETY!

GEORGIANA: I'm a nurse, and he's wounded.

DARCY: You're not in a hospital, anymore. Get someone else to do it.

GEORGIANA: Who? A maid? YOU?

...um, a manservant totally could.

"...allowed them both to picture Darcy giving Fitzwilliam a bath."

And a million fanfics sprang into being.

GEORGIANA'S THOUGHTS: HOW CAN I EXPLAIN HOW I HAVE FOREVER BEEN CHANGED SINCE I RAN AWAY?

GEORGIANA: ...just, deal with it, bro. I'm going to nurse him.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: ...she is showing an unacceptable amount of backbone. I must tie her up to save her from her own irrationality.

...seriously, dude?

Anyway, after the bath is over, Darcy sits beside the Colonel and holds his hand.

NARRATELLER: BUT IN A TOTALLY MANLY WAY.

DARCY'S THOUGHTS: omg starting to imagine what his life is going to be like as a blind cripple, sitting in a sunlit room in his brother's house, bored out of his mind and "bemedaled."

Yes, because the worst possible fate for a blind cripple is to be given the status of a national hero and be supported by his rich Earl of a brother in all material comfort until the end of his days.

DARCY: So...you're blind, and I'm deaf. Between the two of us, we might be able to make a whole person.

Augh, you and your views of disabilities suck, Darcy.

COLONEL: LOL. At least I've still got my balls, dude!

NARRATELLER: Thank GOD Darcy didn't hear that.
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Old December 28th, 2012, 01:36 AM   #159
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Chapter Eighty-Three

Lizzy gets back to Pemberley, and Lydia gets word of Wickham's "death."

Lydia's been staying at Longbourne at her parents' expense since her husband went off to Belgium, and apparently never considered that he might actually die.

So Lydia goes off the deep end into a swooning, alliterative and ultimately ridiculous portrait of overdone mourning.

Mr. Bennet goes to Derbyshire himself to tell Jane and Lizzy.

Lizzy hears it's Wickham, and sits down and bursts into tears.

MR. BENNET: Um, Lizzy...it's...it's only Wickham.

JANE: DAD!

MR. BENNET: She knows what I mean! *hugs Lizzy*

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I SO NEEDED MY DADDY TO HUG ME.

They manage to piece together that Darcy spoke to Juliette at Roux's house on the 18th of June (the actual day the Battle of Waterloo took place, so, um, there's that. Whatever, timing.)

NARRATELLER: But Mr. Bennet needs to rest!

MR. BENNET: It's just gout--what a bit of wit that a rich man's illness has come upon a man so poor as I!

...dude, you're enough of a gentleman to eat all the meat and swill all the booze necessary to give you gout. Shut up and stop trying to be funny.

Then he clutches his heart.

LIZZY: PAPA!

MR. BENNET: ...it's...it's just indigestion...

DOCTOR: ...it's really not.

LIZZY: Well it's not a stroke, at least? He's not paralyzed.

MR. BENNET: I had so hoped to outlive your mother...what will become of her?

JANE & LIZZY: *doze in their chairs*

LIZZY: *wakes, realises their dad is dead, and tiptoes back to her seat without waking Jane*

So they all head back to Longbourne in a hearse-led procession from Derbyshire, and Jane is fearful that Lizzy's gone off the deep end, again, as she hasn't wept at all for her father aside from a few tears when he was first taken ill.

Lizzy waits until everyone's gone to bed, then creeps downstairs, and Mary silently leaves her to sit with the body in the parlour, clutching her Bible.

Eventually Mrs. Bennet arrives and is all strangely subdued and reminisces that her husband was the best man and best husband there could be.

LIZZY: SO HOW COME YOU TOLD LYDIA HE CHEATED ON YOU?

MRS. BENNET: ...oh, that. That was a spur-of-the-moment decision to try and cheer up Lydia, so she wouldn't despair over the behaviour of HER husband. Was that so wrong?

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: YES. I BLAME YOU FOR BINGLEY CHEATING ON JANE, AND FOR GIVING ME ENOUGH SUSPICION TO THINK THAT DARCY WOULD EVER CHEAT ON ME AND THAT WAS LIKE OUR ONLY FIGHT EVER YOU'RE SO STUPID MOTHER. UGH.
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Old December 28th, 2012, 02:14 AM   #160
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Chapter Eighty-Four

The only GOOD thing about that time was the news of Napoleon's defeat. Then again, all they get is news of marauders and typhus quarantines, and Bingley has tried to go to France twice and been denied entry, so all they can do is sit and wait and worry.

Lydia's all pouty because she has to wear black AND a mournful expression, neither of which she likes or suit her. Even worse, there's all these soldiers come to pay their respects to the widow, and SHE ISN'T ALLOWED TO FLIRT WITH THEM. So she practices a tricky little coy smile to work it among her co-mourners.

JANE & BINGLEY: D:

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: I don't give a fart about Wickham's memory, BUT YOU SHALL NOT DISHONOUR OUR FATHER'S!

LIZZY: *grabs Lydia's fan from her and bashes her on the head with it* I know it's hard for you, but can you please at least wait until the mourning period is over?

LYDIA: It IS hard? What can we do for fun?

LIZZY: Nothing. You're deeply sad and in mourning.

LYDIA: Am I? OH! OH! OH! OH! I JUST REALISED! I ONLY HAVE TO WEAR BLACK FOR ONE MOURNING PERIOD, 'CAUSE DAD AND WICKHAM BOTH BOUGHT THE FARM SO CLOSE TOGETHER.

LIZZY: ...yaaaaaay for you.

Mrs. Bennet is all wrapped up in her usual hysteria and lace hankies, and freaking out over Charlotte Collins' son; but Lizzy assures her that she'll always have a home at Pemberley, and tries not to think about how much Darcy will freak if he hears she's made such a promise.

MRS. BENNET: But your husband is probably dead, too! And if this is not a son, or if this baby dies, then Lady Catherine will turn you out, too!

Where do they get this idea that Darcy wouldn't have altered his will to provide amply for his own widow and remaining family? He's a rockstar with endless piles of gold.

Lizzy goes for a walk, and throws off her shawl, hiding her pregnancy be damned! Apparently we're supposed to take this as some sign of her modernity and indepedant spirit, but I am endlessly sick of this idea that late Georgian/Regency folk couldn't let themselves look at a pregnant woman without it being a huge scandal.

Indeed, Lizzy ponders extensively how Jane's able to hide her own bumps so well--Lizzy's the size of a house!

LIZZY'S THOUGHT: THIS BABY IS DEFINITELY BIGGER THAN THE LAST ONE.

...oh hell, it's twins, isn't it?

She makes her way to the tree where she and Darcy made out, and hugs it, and barely stops herself from making out with the bark.

LIZZY: I MUST RETURN TO PEMBERLEY AND SIT UNDER HIS PORTRAIT AND WAIT FOR MY BELOVED AND HE WILL FIND ME THERE WHEN HE RETURNS!

JANE: ...that's probably not the best idea in your condition.

LIZZY: I WILL GO IMMEDIATELY.

BINGLEY: Well, you won't go alone. We're coming, too!

LIZZY'S THOUGHTS: ...was that a definitive statement from Charles Bingley?

Whatever, they all set off.

They stop for a picnic lunch, Lizzy has no appetite and pains in her back so she strolls a bit but then demands they get back on the road.

Oh ye gods, here we go.

LIZZY, MAVEN OF PATIENT WAITING: "Do not fart about!" I SHALL GIVE BIRTH AT PEMBERLEY!

NARRATELLER: Bingley has no clue what to do because he's Bingley and kind of an idiot.

JANE: We really must stop at the first house we see.

LIZZY: NO.

JANE: Bingley, stop this coach.

LIZZY: IF HE DOES I'LL BEAT HIS ASS.

They race across three counties and in the final few miles dashing back to Pemberley, Lizzy plants her feet on the opposite seat in the carriage and starts to push like a MORON.

I hate Lizzy so much right now, she is being a sentimental IDIOT with no regard for her health or her child's. It's like she doesn't care what happens as long as they all die at Pemberley. Last time she suppressed her labour with sheer willpower to suit sentimental attachment to Darcy, it killed her baby and nearly killed her. But, y'know, do what you want, heroine.
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